


Submerged

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Action/Adventure, Adult Content, Angst, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-10
Updated: 2006-03-10
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:16:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: With Daniel facing burnout Jack arranges some extended downtime and Daniel finds treasures that take his breath away and so much more.





	Submerged

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

"Ohgodohgodohgod, I'm gonna...I...aaaagh!"

I looked at him arched above me, eyes tightly shut, head thrown back, perspiration running down his neck as he pounded into me, making me feel so much and I...I ...oh fuck, that ...that...

When my senses came back he'd collapsed on me and Danny was no light weight but there was nowhere I'd rather be than with him lying across me, my arms holding him tight. He was still breathing fast and I could feel the tremors moving through his body. That had been some session. Daniel didn't often act quite that alpha on me but I had no complaints. I did have questions though, why did he need release that desperately?

Sex between us was always great, the best I'd ever had. Probably because I'd never loved anyone the way I loved him, nor felt as loved by another person. Our relationship -- and that was precisely what this was -- was very much a sharing. Daniel wouldn't let it be any other way. He talked, about everything and he made me talk; never thought anyone would be able to make me talk about stuff but he did and though I'd never admit it, even to him -- if you tell him I said so I may have to kill you -- it helps me. In bed we share everything too; no question as to who tops or who bottoms, we go with the flow, whatever one of us needs. Sometimes, after a bad mission one of us might need to be pounded through the floor, or maybe he'd need a long slow reminder that he was alive. The thing was we always knew what the other needed.

Yet this time I didn't know why he'd needed that. He'd come home late, nothing new there. He was tired and didn't want to eat; just grabbed a coffee and collapsed next to me on the sofa. We watched something on TV for about ten minutes and then he pounced. He'd have taken me then and there on the sofa and if it had been a quick tumble that would've been fine but I knew from his attitude that we were in for more so I slowed him down enough to get him into the bedroom.

He stripped me on the way from the couch to the bedroom and literally threw me on the bed. He was all over me and I had the scratches and bite marks to prove it. I just lay back and let him do what he wanted, what he needed. He went down on me and sucked me so hard I thought he was gonna suck my brains out through my cock. It was fucking fantastic! Then he threw my legs over his shoulders and for one second I thought he was gonna try and take me dry. Course, he didn't; I never saw him get the lube but it was there in his hands. Not that it took much, just a couple of fingers and then he was there pushing inside me firmly, deeply. He took me flying with him and when he reached the pinnacle he let us both fall.

I landed first and I think he was still making his way back to earth. Then I thought it was time for me to make him talk.

I stroked his hair while he calmed and I said softly, "Back with me now?"

"Mmmm," he murmured.

"Don't sound sure," I grinned.

"Just about. God that was good!"

"Yeah, it was also ...unexpected. What brought that on?"

He rolled away from me with a sigh and I was sorry he felt the need; it also confirmed something was wrong.

"Daniel?"

He sighed, "It's nothing special, just ...just the latest translation I'm working on."

"And? Daniel you're not even looking at me. Spill."

A slow smile grew and he turned to me again. "Can't fool you, can I? Should've known I'd never get away with it," he said, lifting his hand to caress my cheek.

"Yep and no trying to distract me."

He laughed. "Yes sir!" His smile faded a little as he went on, "I'm tired, Jack. I was tired of always having to come up with new answers when I don't even know the questions; tired of everyone expecting me to always have the answers. I don't though, Jack and I feel more and more that my failure is costing lives and..."

"Crap Daniel!" I interrupted, "you do more to save lives than anyone I know."

"Do I? I only seem to be able to think of the failures, the mistakes I've made, the time I have wasted because I've been on the wrong track. The technologies the Pentagon wants that I can't secure. How many times have we had to run for the Gate, Jack? It's too much; it's all just too much."

"Is that all this is, cause I have the feeling there's something else. Don't shut me out Daniel."

* * *

I should've known it would be a waste of time trying to keep this to myself. He knows me far too well. Don't suppose my caveman act exactly helped, that alone would've told him I needed something. I snuggled down against him again, playing with his chest hair. He saw it for the delaying tactic it was and covered my hand with one of his.

Taking a breath, I said, "I miss it, Jack." I didn't have to see his frown to know it was there. "Miss doing the job I was trained for. When was the last time I was an archaeologist, Jack? I spend half my time as a linguist and the other half as a diplomat who has to carry a gun. I don't want to be that man. That's not who I am. I'm losing myself and it's scary. I'm an archaeologist in more than just name; it's part of who I am. I need to be ...me."

"What are you saying?" I could hear the fear in his voice. "You want to ...leave?" he asked sharply.

I suddenly understood what he thought I was saying, that I wanted to leave the SGC, to leave him.

I sat up quickly, "No, Jack, never," Reaching out I kissed him and he grabbed me, pulling me closer to him. "I don't really know what I'm saying, Jack. Just that I feel ...lost."

"What if I could get the General to let you go on a dig or something? There's so many planets you could visit, places that have got you all hot and bothered," he said grinning at me. "Would that help?"

"You think it'd do any good?" I asked doubtfully.

"Daniel, you have no idea how much that man admires you. He also knows he owes you..."

"But..."

"No, buts. You might not see it but everyone else does. You've done a great job for the SGC, damn it for the whole fucking planet. I'll tell him straight, you're heading for burn-out, you need a break. I'm gonna get you one."

"You wanna down payment?" I growled, shoving him flat again.

* * *

I just loved watching him overflowing with excitement; it's been too long since he was this caught up in anything -- well apart from sex with me and that doesn't count. Seeing him this way proved just how right he was, he needed it so much and I was happy that I'd been some help in getting permission for us to spend four weeks here.

It hadn't been as difficult as I'd expected to persuade Hammond. Daniel was in desperate need of a break from the unrelenting pressure of first contact and the accompanying negotiations for whatever we needed time and again, all the time having to wonder if he would need to resort to being a solider. The General was quick to realise that a break now would pay back so much more later and so he readily agreed to a four week assignment on the planet of Daniel's choice. I insisted that at least I accompany him if not the rest of SG1.

In the end it was just Daniel and me. He chose P2X-579, a planet where SG11 were presently working though even they wouldn't be allowed to stay there much longer. The place was so huge it would take a lifetime to study, according to Daniel. The location was long deserted but it must have been a major centre for the Goa'uld sometime in the past. The ruins were huge and a plan was being made for a permanent study post to be set up there.

What had particularly drawn Daniel to this place was that about half the site was under water. There had been a major quake centuries ago and part of the landmass had dropped into the ocean. Apparently the palace and temple complex were underwater and that was what Daniel was so excited about.

I was puzzled, wondering why the hell he would want to pick such a difficult place to get his feet wet -- no pun intended -- in archaeology again.

He laughed and told me it was like diving in the deep end, taking me up on my analogy. It was one of the more difficult kinds of archaeology and it had been quite a while since he'd been diving.

"You dive?" I was incredulous. I had no idea he had even been scuba diving and I thought I knew all his secrets.

He grinned sheepishly, "I'm actually rather good at it. Spent two years diving off Santorini in Greece. Great underwater sites there." He suddenly frowned, "You dive don't you, Jack? Sorta assumed you did, all that Special Ops stuff and all."

Got a warm glow that he wanted me there with him. "Yeah, I dive. Wouldn't let you go without me anyway."

He snorted at that and I cocked my head, "Something you wanna say?"

"No, Jack, wouldn't want to spoil your fun. You can hold my hand, unless you'd rather hold something else."

"Now, don't tempt me, you know the rule. No nooky on missions."

"This isn't exactly a mission, Jack. It's more like a vacation." He cocked his head to mirror mine, a sly smile gracing his face.

Damn he had a point, a good point. I grinned at him. "Sweet!"

And now here we were, just the two of us. SG11 were about two miles away, studying a large building that they thought might have been some kind of laboratory. A couple of their number were experienced divers too who had been working on the sunken ruins but they had agreed to leave it to Daniel and me for the four weeks we were here.

As for the other half of SG1, Carter and Teal'c were still on Earth. When she heard about the four week 'downtime' she requested permission to stay and work on some experiments that had been put on the back burner, her argument held as much weight as Daniel's in that she never got to do as much scientific stuff as she would've liked. Teal'c had a much simpler reason, he didn't like water. I think to be more precise he saw no particular reason for anyone to use water other than for drinking and washing. The idea of having fun in water had never occurred to the Jaffa until he arrived on Earth and personally he still didn't get it. As the planet was deemed secure he considered DanielJackson would be safe with me to watch his back. Gee thanks!

So I got to watch my archaeologist tugging on his wet suit and enjoyed the vision all to myself. And what a vision! Skin tight black clinging to every curve from his strong calves to those ripping thighs, up over his very tempting buttocks, up the long line of his back ...oh God I wanted to rip it off him and take him there on the shore of that alien sea.

"You ready yet, Jack?" his voice floated to me and dragged me from my rising fantasy.

"Ah, no," I had to admit, my own wet suit only half on.

He turned and I realised he knew damn well I wasn't ready, his smirk told me all too clearly he knew where my thoughts had been. He blatantly raked his eyes up and down me and I cursed as my cock reacted to his hot look.

"Shit, Daniel!" I snapped at him. Of course he just laughed and picked up his air-tanks and slipping his arms through the straps -- his very naked arms bulging with muscles that Teal'c had helped put there in the gym -- and fastening them over his abdomen.

I had to will my erection down with nasty thoughts of Kinsey, uuugh it worked every time. As I struggled into my own suit I heard a splash and looked up to see he'd jumped the few feet down into the water below.

Cursing him for not waiting I quickly finished getting my gear on and followed him into depths.

* * *

We've been here a week now and it's been marvellous. The ruins of the palace and the temple were everything I'd hoped for. When this part of the city had fallen into the sea, the land beneath it had simply slipped straight down and the buildings were pretty much intact. We had no way of knowing exactly how long ago the quake had happened but it must have been at least five hundred years based on the geology findings that SG11 had reported. Of course that length of time under water had eroded much but there was enough left to be of great interest. I took pictures of as much as I could; a lot of the carvings inside the palace were still detectable. My plan for today was to have a closer look in the temple, I'd only made a cursory inspection of that yet.

I rolled over in my sleeping bag to find Jack watching me, a huge grin splitting his face. "What?" I asked.

He handed me my first coffee of the day. "Just like to see you so happy."

"But I only just woke up."

"I know, I was watching you sleep, you were smiling. Either you were dreaming about me," he said with a smirk, "or you were dreaming about this damn place."

"Or, I was dreaming about us in this damned place," I replied softly. "It's been great, Jack; mostly just you and me, no need to play at being the Colonel and the Archaeologist, just being two men who want to be together. Then there's not having to worry about persuading somebody to do what we want, or worry about Jaffa careering over that next rise."

Jack smiled, "It has been good, Daniel, so good. I didn't realise until we came here just how much we needed to be free to be ourselves. Come on, breakfast is ready and then we plan our day."

Each day was much the same really. After breakfast we would walk to the Gate and make our daily report, then we spent a couple of hours diving. Jack would never let me out of his sight but I didn't begrudge him that. We always had lunch with SG11, keeping Colonel Marsden up to date with our work. Jack didn't enjoy that as much as I did, most of the conversation was about their discoveries or mine. Colonel Marsden might be Air Force but he was also a geologist with an interest in archaeology. I have to say though that Jack was on his best behaviour, contributing when he could, sitting back quietly and watching -- me, mostly -- when he couldn't.

In the afternoons we sometime dove again or I wrote up my notes while Jack relaxed. He did some fishing, at least he called it that, looked more like resting to me, comfortably reclining with fishing pole in hand.

Course, he couldn't let the bad jokes pass. I'd already had to listen to the one about Jaw. A couple of days ago he'd been on the look out for Captain Nemo and the Nautilus, declaring he was perfect as the redoubtable captain fighting to rid the world of slave traders; until I reminded him that Nemo's methods made him no better than those he sought to destroy. Only yesterday I was treated to a very bad impersonation of Cap'n Ahab spouting about the 'great white whale' and then he wondered which of us was Ahab and which the whale. Seeing as how when he thought that one up he was stark naked and frolicking about in the shallows I made the mistake of saying that he was the whale. Reminding me that the whale was called Moby Dick, he made me pay for my rash comment that night when he speared me. Course I told him I'd pay the forfeit whenever he wanted.

About an hour later we were in deep water heading towards the temple. I had my camera and flashlight and Jack had a flashlight and was carrying my sample basket. The basket had a rope and inflatable buoy attached in case any of my finds proved to be too large for us to bring up. The position could then be marked for retrieval later.

We had enough air for two hours in our tanks and it took ten minutes to get there, which left only a hundred minutes actually on site; nowhere near enough time to investigate a temple complex of this size. I would probably spend most of the next three weeks exploring this place.

We swam under a large portico and found ourselves inside the entrance hall which was as far as I'd gone on my only other visit to the Temple. The walls here had been quite badly eroded, except for one section to the left which was set back and, probably due to the currents in here, hadn't been badly affected. I spent some time carefully brushing away the accumulated algae while Jack held the flashlight for me. I needed to be careful because if I rubbed too hard I could take away the top layer of plaster along with the algae growth.

* * *

I was keeping a close eye on the time; we only had about another twenty minutes before we needed to head back. I'd been a bit concerned about Daniel watching his diving times, he was hardly known for his time-keeping, he could become lost in a world of his own when he was concentrating. So, I'd been pleasantly surprised by how precise he was when it came to diving. He'd said he was quite a good diver but he was better than good he was excellent and I know what I'm talking about.

Suddenly I felt a shudder and it took me a second to realise it wasn't me but my surroundings that were shuddering. It stopped as quickly as it started and I looked over at Daniel and signalled that we should leave just in case. He nodded at me and as I saw him begin to swim to me I turned and headed towards the portico and the way out. As I passed under the arch I looked back and Daniel raised his hand making the small 'o' gesture with his thumb and finger to show all was well. It was at that precise moment that the shuddering began again, this time much more severe. It was clearly a quake and a big one.

I tried to turn back to Daniel but I had no control of my movements as the sea around me boiled and churned and tossed me about as if I were no more than a cork. It was even difficult to see the portico that I knew was only a short distance from where I was. Columns nearby were toppling and churning up the sea bed, throwing up clouds of sand and debris. I had this need to scream out Daniel's name only I couldn't because of the mask. A huge cloud of sand suddenly rose directly in front of me from where I believed the Temple was. I was somewhat confused as I had been tossed and turned around. I was pretty sure I was back facing the huge pillars forming the portico. If any of those pillars had given way the whole thing could collapse. Had Daniel had enough time to get out? He'd been so close behind me but time seemed to move differently during a crisis. Long experience had taught me that.

How many seconds, minutes had actually passed since I'd seen Daniel give me that signal? I needed to see that Daniel was safe but I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. Slowly I swam forward, peering ahead to try and see through the gloom. I suddenly remembered my flashlight. I hadn't been thinking clearly. My nerves were shot. I fumbled getting it detached from my utility belt. I forced myself to calm down. I'd never help Daniel unless I was calm and controlled. Damn it, I was a Colonel in the Air Force. What the hell was I doing? It was Daniel for crying out loud! I was desperate to help but that very desperation added to my agitation. I was out of control.

Forcing my panic down I moved in the direction I believed the Temple to be. I was frustrated to realise the light was useless. It just diffused among the rising debris adding to the murk. Angrily I snapped it off.

I found my senses had been correct when I reached the remains of the Temple portico. Two columns at one end were still standing. The other three columns and the roof were lying in a jumble of broken stones blocking the entrance. My heart was pounding as I looked for Daniel, praying he had escaped before the building collapsed.

My heart in my mouth I swam closer. I saw a thin stream of bubbles rising from near one of the columns. Swimming as fast I could, I reached the spot. I'd found Daniel. He was lying on his side, half his body hidden among the chunks of fallen masonry. His eyes were closed. He was struggling to breathe. I soon realised why when I saw where the thin stream of bubbles was coming from. There was a slight split in the hose to Daniel's oxygen tank. What little air he had left would soon be gone.

I fell on my knees beside him and shook his shoulder. His eyes flew open and I immediately saw his panic. He was drowning and he knew it. His hands reached for me and I grabbed them and gripped them tightly for a second. I slipped my hands underneath his arms and tried to pull him free. It was no good. I couldn't move him at all. I knew I would need help. Help I had no time to go for. I checked my chronometer and saw I had only fifteen minutes of air left. It would take ten minutes to reach the surface. Daniel would be dead long before then. His air was all but gone, escaping into the water around us.

God, oh God, Daniel was going to drown. Desperately needing air but there was only water. Water filling his nose, his mouth, his lungs until ... I had to do something, I had to. I tried again to pull him free. He shook his head wearily at me. He knew he was trapped. He knew he was going to die. No, please no. Danny ...Danny.

Despair filled me as I realised I had no way to help him.

* * *

Filled with relief, I watched as Jack swam out in the open sea hoping I had enough time to get out too. I hadn't told Jack, never needed to, that I had been caught in an undersea earthquake. What stayed with me most of that experience was the total lack of control. Being on land during an earthquake was bad enough but in the sea there was no purchase, nothing at all. The ruins were the most dangerous place to be and I swam as fast as I was able, afraid that first quake was only the precursor. I thought I had made it; I was just swimming under the portico when the second quake hit and I was tossed against one of the columns. I hit hard enough to slide down to the base and land on my back. I pushed off knowing it was not a good place to be but I hadn't gone more than a few feet when the columns began to topple.

I was trapped as they fell all around me, one falling into its neighbour as the ground shook, rising and falling. As I tried to avoid one falling chunk of masonry I found myself directly under another. I tried to twist away but all I could see among the clouds of rising muck from the seabed was tumbling stone.

Suddenly I felt a tremendous pain down my right side and across my legs as I was forced down to the steps beneath the portico. I knew immediately that I had been caught by one of the falling blocks. Pain flared like fingers of fire from my hip to my ankle as I tried to pull myself free. Gasping and crying I tried to will the pain away. I closed my eyes and prayed for Jack. It was then that I realised I could hardly catch my breath. My first thought was that time had run out on me and that my air was gone. Then I realised only a matter of a minute or so had passed and I should have air for another fifteen minutes yet. I raised the upper half of my body trying to see my air hose. If my tank was damaged I wouldn't be able to see that.

There just by my shoulder I saw it, a bubble rising from my hose, then another and another. I couldn't see the actual damage but my air was escaping. I didn't know how much time I had left but it couldn't be much. Ah well, least I wouldn't have to fight the pain that long.

My heart pounded in my chest. I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for but I couldn't see a way of surviving this. I didn't even know where Jack was and while part of me wanted him to come now, to find me and prove to me that he was safe and to be with me, another part of me didn't want him to come. I wanted him to be swimming for the surface and safety.

I didn't want to die alone but neither did I want the man who loved me to distraction to have to see me die. For that was all he could do. There wasn't enough time for a rescue.

I closed my eyes to fill my mind with a vision of Jack. I didn't want to die alone but my air was getting thinner and I didn't have long. At least I had my memory of Jack.

My eyes snapped open as I felt something touch my shoulder. Afraid, I thought something else was falling on me, then I saw it was Jack. For a moment my heart leapt and I reached out my hands to him. He took them and gripped them tightly and I was so happy. Until he released me and tried to pull me free and failed. I knew despair then because he wouldn't want to leave me. I saw his eyes go to my escaping air and he checked his chronometer. Jack would know to the precise moment how much longer he had, how much longer I didn't have. I saw the pain in his eyes.

Suddenly he took his mask off and removing mine he put his over my face. I couldn't help but gulp in the sweet air. At the same time I realised that Jack understood he couldn't get me out and he intended to stay with me. I couldn't bear that. As much as I didn't want to die alone, even more I didn't want to die with Jack watching, knowing he could do nothing. That would tear him apart. I understood only too well that he would blame himself and suffer anyway, that was Jack. How much worse would it be for him if he had the memory of seeing me die?

He took a quick gulp of air himself before returning his mask to me and this time I grabbed a hold of his wrist. Not as Jack probably expected, to hold the mask to my face but to take a look at his chronometer. Twelve minutes left and he would need ten to make it to the surface.

Grabbing his wrist I shoved the chronometer into his face. He yanked it away and shook his head, shoving the mask over my face again. I took a deep breath and pushed it away. He looked at me, pain etched on his face. I had to make him understand how much pain he was giving me by staying. I had to make him go. He had to live.

Suddenly I realised that for the first time I would not be the one left behind to grieve for a loved one, this time I was the one going. Feeling guilt for the relief I felt at that realisation I reached out to stroke his cheek as he held his mask over my face. I grieved for the pain Jack would feel.

I had to make him go; I had to make him understand that it was for my sake. I had to communicate without words. For quite some time we'd been able to finish each other's sentences, and we'd said on many occasions that we could almost read one another's mind. Now I had to use that uncertain ability.

He took another lungful of air and passed the mask back to me. I grabbed the hand that held the mask to my face and looked up into his eyes. I let all my pain show in my eyes and then reached up to touch his face. I brushed my hand over his lips and then placed my hand over his heart. I banished the pain from my eyes and let him see the love instead.

I pulled the mask from my face and put it back over his, then I pointed up towards the surface. He shook his head so I pushed him. He looked at me, pain in his eyes and I pleaded with mine. It was all I could do and I prayed he would understand.

He dipped his head and then suddenly he tugged at the rope he'd looped around his body to hold my basket secure. Using his utility knife he cut it from the basket. He looked at me and I could see the tears in his eyes as he tied the rope around my chest under my arms and then tied the other end to his waist. I puzzled over this when he suddenly put a hand to my face and then swiftly turned and swam away, the long rope trailing him. It was then I understood; it would help him to find me -- afterwards.

I tried to follow his movement as he swam away but all too soon he was lost in the murk that still swirled around. Turning my head away, I lay back to think of him instead in my last moments of life.

It might be because I was already suffering from lack of oxygen, or maybe shock but I was surprised that I wasn't more afraid. The churning sands were finally settling and it was much easier to see. Most of the front wall of the Temple had collapsed and something sparkling darkly against the light grey of the stone caught my eye. Only self-preservation stopped me gasping out my last breath as I recognised it for what it is -- a sarcophagus, a Goa'uld sarcophagus!

Salvation lay, only a few feet from me. Desperately I grabbed the rope that Jack had fastened about me and pulled on it. I had little strength left and the attempt was weak. Jack had to know, he had to find it. I had a second to recognise the irony of this situation before with a last gasp of desperation I put everything I had into pulling on that rope.

My head was spinning. My lungs were burning, they were going to explode. My chest felt as if one of the stone blocks had fallen on me and was crushing the last breath from me. I could hear every beat of my heart, each one louder than the one before. I struggled to hold it inside, that precious breath. I couldn't let go, I couldn't... Desperately I gasped trying to fill my straining lungs. Water filled my mouth, I gagged and it filled my throat. I tried to rise, fighting as the water filled my lungs, screaming in my mind...God help me!

My eyes dimmed, my thoughts slipped away ...Jaaaa...

* * *

I knew I would never forgive myself for leaving him there but it was what he wanted so I did it for him. I even understood his desire, his need for me to leave but that didn't mean that each stroke I swam was not an agony. I knew he wouldn't want to die alone but it would hurt him more if I was with him. I knew him so well that I understood that even then, even with the last breath he drew, he wouldn't be thinking of himself but of me. It would've killed me to have to watch him die and he must have guessed that I would simply stay with him until it was too late for me to reach the surface. I would rather die than be without him but he couldn't die peacefully if I was with him. Die peacefully! How the hell could he die peacefully gasping out his last breath trapped like a pinned insect?

Oh God, why! Why Daniel?

I almost turned back then, it was only the memory of the look in his eyes, as he begged me without words to go, that stopped me.

I would do as he asked I would reach the surface. I would get help and go back and ...bring him up. I would take him home, go through all the motions. I would be the perfect team-leader, the perfect friend, while inside I would be dying. Daniel...Daniel. Already I miss you so much and...and. Daniel.

Suddenly the rope jerked and then again and again. Oh my God, Daniel! Pain filled my chest as I realised it was Daniel in his death throes, railing against an end he couldn't prevent. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to die.

Instead, I swam faster, until my legs ached and my lungs felt fit to burst. My air was all but gone now, having waited a minute or two too long. My head was throbbing and I had no idea if the pain in my chest was my broken heart or my empty lungs. I kept going for no other reason than I had made a silent promise.

Finally breaking the surface I yanked off my mask, gulped in enough air to re-inflate my lungs and as I felt them fill with air, I was also filled with the terrible knowledge that while I was safely gasping to live, Daniel was down there gasping out his last breath as his lungs filled with water.

I screamed out my agony in one long wail, "DAAANIELLL!"

I wanted to cry but I had no tears. I dragged myself to shore, tied off the rope to a large rock and pulled myself to where we'd left our clothes. I couldn't stand the thought of him lying down there alone; I needed to bring him up. Struggling hard to not even look at where Daniel had undressed I grabbed up my radio.

"Marsden, I need help, Daniel ...Daniel. The quake."

My voice must have told him more than my words because his voice came back immediately to say, "On our way, now!"

I knew they would hurry but it was still two miles. I couldn't allow myself to think or I would fall to pieces. Needed to help. Needed fresh air, fresh mask. I went to the supply tent and took out two cylinders before I realised I would only need one. My hands shook as I removed the empty tank and replaced it. Part of me wanted to dive back down to the ruins immediately; I had the insane idea I could help him. Another part was afraid, afraid to see him lying amongst the broken stones, like a statue among the columns. I shivered.

I wondered if Daniel had known, if he'd understood how hard, how impossible it would be for me to go on alone if he ...died before I did. I knew deep down where it counted that he was the only reason I got through the pain of Charlie's death. I'm not just talking about the first Abydos mission either. Each day spent in his company had been good, made me stronger; each day since we had become partners made life worth living. I couldn't go back now to being without him.

I walked to the sea edge and looked down to where I knew the ruins were. The ruins of my life.

"Colonel!"

I turned to see Marsden and his team hurrying towards me when yet again an aftershock struck. The ground shook and I fell to my knees while most of SG11 lost their footing. It was of short duration and not too severe.

I explained as quickly as I could that the Temple had collapsed and Daniel had been trapped below. I was surprised at how normal my voice sounded.

"We need to hurry then to get some air to him," Marsden said.

"It's too late," I said flatly. "Daniel is dead." Just like that, I'd said the words so matter-of-fact. Daniel is dead. Daniel is dead. Daniel is dead. Daniel is...

I suddenly realised Marsden was talking to me and I hadn't heard a word. "Sir," he said gently. "If you can show us where Dr. Jackson is, we can help free him and retrieve his ...body."

I swallowed and nodded. I led them into the sea and we followed the rope into the depths below.

It seemed so much longer going down to the ruins than it ever had before, yet still I reached him too soon. Marsden and the others swam around looking at the stone blocks that trapped him.

All I could do was stare at him.

My heart felt like a stone, lifeless. As he was. He lay as I had last seen him, except he was facing the other way towards the temple. I couldn't help but wonder what was the last thing he'd seen, so I turned and followed his line of sight.

I collapsed to my knees in shock. Oh Daniel, oh my God! He had died with deliverance in his sights. No, no, no, no, no! Suddenly I remembered the tugs on the rope as I was swimming to the surface. It hadn't been Daniel fighting against death; he had been trying to tell me he had a chance for life. I'd ignored it. Dear God, I had ignored him. I left him to die alone. Where was my so-called creed to never leave anyone behind? I had abandoned the most important person in the whole world!

Marsden shook me and indicated the stones surrounding Daniel. I gave him a thumbs-up and then pointed to the sarcophagus. I saw his eyebrows rise and he nodded but again indicated the stone blocks. I moved with him and realised what he was getting at. Some of the blocks had moved, probably in the last aftershock and I could see now some of the damage Daniel had suffered. He must have been in terrible pain from the crush injuries and I never even thought about it. What sort of bastard does that make me?

Between the six of us we were able to move the stones enough to free Daniel's body and I carefully lifted him into my arms with help from Marsden. He indicated he would send one man, Seymour, with me to take Daniel to the surface while the rest of them recovered the sarcophagus. I gave him a grateful smile and took my precious cargo to the surface.

* * *

I finally reached the shore and with the help of Seymour I laid Daniel down. His hip and leg were badly crushed and blood had seeped through the rips in his wetsuit. I looked at my hands; wet but not just with water. I knew Seymour was watching me but I didn't care, nothing mattered anymore. I knelt down next to him, my Daniel, my lover and brushed the wet hair back from his face.

I couldn't understand how he could look so peaceful. I expected to see pain in his face, fear and anguish. I wondered then what his last thought had been; had he died hating me for ...no, I couldn't believe that, not of Daniel. I only knew of one person that Daniel had ever truly hated -- Apophis. I had to remember that he loved me; he loved me enough to send me away.

"Sir," Seymour's quiet voice interrupted my painful thoughts. "They are bringing it ashore now."

I turned to watch as Marsden and his team manoeuvred the awkward coffin--shaped box out of the water. For the first time I wondered why a device whose whole purpose was the preservation life should look so much like a coffin, the personification of death.

Then another thought struck me, one I should have considered before. How long after death would the sarcophagus revive a dead person? I quickly looked at my chronometer and I was shocked to realise that only thirty minutes had passed since I'd left Daniel to die alone in the... I snapped out of my fugue, I had no time for that now. I could fall apart later -- once Daniel was in the sarcophagus. Surely half-an-hour wouldn't be too long?

I remembered Apophis; he had been dead for a short time before we had to send him to Sokar and there was no way of knowing how long it was before he was placed in the sarcophagus. Yet he lived.

It had to be long enough. There was no alternative. Daniel had to live -- or I would die.

I stared at the sarcophagus as it moved slowly towards me and I had an insane urge to laugh. A sarcophagus; the Goa'uld device that Daniel hated and feared perhaps more than any other and it was his only chance at life. How ironic was that? Less ironic than the fact that the damned machine was gonna save my life too? Two for the price of one; for the first time I understood the seduction of that vile machine.

I also understood that I would pay any price to get my lover back.

"Hurry!" I yelled, "Hurry, we don't know how much time he has."

"Sir," Marsden asked as we finally pulled the sarcophagus up on the shore. "Wouldn't it be better to get some help from the SGC, someone who knows more about this thing?"

"Probably but we don't have time for that. I don't know how long after ...death this thing works. We need to get Daniel in there right away."

"But, sir, we don't know what it might do," Seymour said.

"For crying out loud! He's dead!" I yelled angrily, shocked I could say the words so easily. I knew it wasn't Seymour I was angry at, it was me.

"Sir," Marsden said calmly, "what if it already has an occupant?"

God, I hadn't even thought of that, I'd been so wrapped up in getting Daniel inside.

"I know," I lied, picking up my P90 from where it lay next to my pack. "Spread out," I ordered and we circled the machine, weapons at the ready.

I stalked over to the control and opened the leaves of the box, immediately standing back, my weapon aimed directly inside. I almost wished for an occupant just so I could kill the bastard.

However, when it finally opened it was empty.

I should've been surprised to find there wasn't a drop of water inside but I wasn't. It gave me hope that submersion under the sea for at least five centuries hadn't permanently ruined the sarcophagus, a fear I hadn't even allowed myself to face.

I turned and picked up Daniel's body and laid him inside the machine.

Marsden came up and looked inside as I made sure Daniel's leg was positioned as accurately as I could, considering the terrible damage to that side of his body.

"Are you sure you know how to work this thing, Colonel?" he asked quietly.

"I know more about this thing that I want to, something which I am now extremely grateful for," I answered without even looking at him.

"Sir, how do we even know if it will even work, it's been down there for hundreds of years. It could even explode."

"Right, fine. Take your team and get to a safe distance. I'm staying here." I pressed the control that closed the leaves and moved to the head of the sarcophagus to set the machine in motion.

Marsden stared at me for a moment and then Seymour said, "Sir?"

Marsden nodded and he and his team took off at a run.

Did they think I didn't understand the risk involved, did they think I had no experience in this job? For crying out loud, I'd been doing this for five years. I knew more about the risks than anyone, except perhaps Daniel. My Daniel who'd died too many times and I prayed this wouldn't be the last time.

The sarcophagus was emitting a low hum and for the life of me I couldn't remember if that was normal. There was the faint hint of light around the edges of the leaves of the top as usual. I had to believe it was working; the fact was I had no options. I had to trust a piece of alien technology that I hated, that had already almost cost the sanity of the man lying inside. I prayed that this time it wouldn't affect him the way it had on Shyla's planet. Then she had forced him in to it when he was well. But the truth was I'd take him back anyway I could get him. If I had to nurse him through the withdrawal then I would do that. No price was too high to get him back.

I paced up on down along the sarcophagus wondering how long it might take. I had no idea how long the device needed to revive someone; I'd only seen it used to heal. All I could do was wait; the machine would open when it had finished its cycle.

* * *

I'd been watching and waiting for what seemed like hours but in fact only about forty-five minutes had passed. I was sitting down now with my back to the sarcophagus, feeling the vibration of its energy move through me. Knowing it was that device working to bring life back to Daniel was comforting.

"Colonel?" a quiet voice said and I looked up in the bright eyes of Sam Carter and just behind her I saw Teal'c's quiet presence.

I slowly rose to my feet, "What you doing here?" I asked, aware my voice was harsh but I was unable to stop it.

"Colonel Marsden contacted the General and told him what had happened," she answered softly. "He sent us through to see if we could help."

"Is DanielJackson still inside?" Teal'c asked, his voice hard.

"Yes."

"How long?" Carter asked, moving forward to place her hands on the surface. She quickly pulled back.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Is this normal, Teal'c?" she asked, ignoring me.

He placed a hand on the device and listened for a moment. My heart was in my mouth, I couldn't bear it if it was all for nothing.

"The energy feels wrong. I should not be able to feel this vibration."

"It would have been better to let us have a look at it first, sir," Carter said, a soft rebuke in her voice.

"God, dammit, Carter! Daniel was dead. He'd been dead for half-an-hour when I put him in that thing. I had no more time to waste and what did I ...he have to lose?" I sighed, trying to get a grip on myself. It wasn't her fault. "This thing has been buried under the sea for five centuries. If it works at all, Carter it will be a miracle." A miracle indeed. I would pray if I knew who to.

"It is possible for the sarcophagus to revive a person after longer than half-an-hour," Teal'c said, "depending on the cause of death and the damage to the body."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and said, "He was trapped and crushed under stone blocks when the temple collapsed in an earthquake. He died from asphyxiation."

"Oh God!" whispered Carter.

"Were you not with him, O'Neill?"

"Yes," I said unable to look in his eyes. "I couldn't free him and his air hose was split. We ...we shared my tank until I had only enough left to reach the surface. He ...he..."

"He wished to you to leave him," Teal'c said and it wasn't a question.

I couldn't answer but I knew I didn't need to.

"How long does it normally take, Teal'c to revive someone from the dead?" Carter asked. I think she found the subject uncomfortable and wanted to get back to a subject she could do something about.

"It would depend, though not usually more than an hour."

"It's been about an hour now," I said glancing at the device but it gave no sign of opening yet.

"It may not even work, sir."

I glared at her and she lifted her chin. "Sir, you have to face the possibility."

I couldn't answer her, I knew she was right but I couldn't say the words aloud. Perhaps if I didn't say it, the words would have no power.

Abruptly the low hum changed and faded and the leaves began to open, slowly.

Suddenly I was afraid to look into the device and I found my feet rooted to the ground. I looked helplessly at Teal'c. With an almost imperceptible nod of his head, he moved forward.

My whole life hung on his next words.

"Come, look, O'Neill," he said gently.

With legs like lead I placed one foot in front of the other, dread and hope accompanying each step in equal measure.

Steeling myself I looked down into the sarcophagus and a pair of bright blue eyes stared back at me.

* * *

I ...I... What is...can't think. Where...? Just images... confused. Afraid, I'm afraid. Why? Tired, so tired. Doesn't matter, just want to sleep...

I felt odd. Dizzy and my chest ached. There was a strange vibration; was it in me or around me, I couldn't tell. I wanted to open my eyes but I was unaccountably afraid.

Then the vibration ceased and there was a low grinding sound. Afraid to look but afraid to stay in the dark, literally and figuratively, I opened my eyes.

The sight that greeted me sent shivers of trepidation through me. I recognised where I was and I was filled with loathing and fear. I was in a sarcophagus. I had sworn I would never use one again, not after Shyla.

What had happened? Was I a prisoner of the Goa'uld? Why couldn't I remember?

The leaves of the casket finally opened and fearfully I looked up. I blinked at first as the bright light flooded in, then my heart leapt to see Teal'c standing there and not some strange Jaffa.

Then he spoke, saying, "Come, look, O'Neill."

Jack, Jack was here too! The relief that rushed through me was heady. I was safe.

Suddenly Jack was leaning over the sarcophagus, looking in at me. I wondered at the momentary uncertainty in his gaze until, in a flash, it was gone, replaced by relief and I think ...joy. I felt an inexplicable pleasure that he was so obviously pleased to see me.

"Daniel! Oh thank God!"

"Jack?" I asked. I'd never heard that particular tone from him before. Even as it warmed me it puzzled me. We hadn't been on particularly good terms recently.

"I'm sorry I had to put you in this damned machine but ...but..." His voice faded as he swallowed and turned away.

Teal'c leaned in to help me sit up. I was still shaky. I presumed whatever had happened I'd been badly hurt. I couldn't remember it though. Sam was suddenly there on the other side lending a helpful hand too.

I asked her quietly, "Is Jack all right? He seems very upset. What happened?"

Her eyebrows shot up and she asked hesitantly, "You don't remember?"

"I have no idea," I answered glancing from one to the other.

Jack turned back then and said gruffly, "Perhaps that's for the best. Let's get him back to Fraiser." He watched carefully as Teal'c helped me to my feet. Jack was hanging back, uncertain.

Puzzled I looked around. We seemed to be on a beach, clearly not on Earth if the huge moon hanging above in broad daylight was any indication. I was sure I'd never seen this place before.

"Carter, can you arrange for this thing to be brought back and have it checked out," Jack was saying. She was already studying the controls and just gave him a distracted acknowledgement. "I'm sure it's okay," he suddenly smiled at me, "after all Daniel is all right. Aren't you?"

As he asked me this in a soft voice, he moved very close and stared into my eyes. I was very disconcerted. "I think so," I answered carefully. "I have a slight headache and my chest feels uncomfortable. Otherwise..."

"What about your left hip and leg?" he asked looking down at my body. Abruptly he knelt and laid his hand on my ankle then gingerly ran his hand up my leg. I could feel the heat of his skin through the gashes in my wet suit -- wet suit? I shuddered. He looked up at me then and I thought I saw something in his eyes. His hand reached my hip and seemed to linger and I was suddenly uncomfortable and very self-conscious.

Backing away from his contact I quickly said, "It's all right, really." He looked puzzled. I walked a few steps, turned back to him and reported, "Fine, they seem fine. Was that the injury?"

"Er, yes. Mostly," he said, his frown faded as he smiled at me again. "Let's get the Doc to check you out, okay?" He reached out and gave my shoulder a quick squeeze.

"Jack why are you behaving ...like this?"

"Like what?" he almost snapped at me.

"I don't know, differently." What could I say?

"Well that's clear! Sorry, sorry. It was just a ...difficult time for both of us. I'll really feel better when I know everything is okay." I opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off. "And don't tell me you're fine. Not this time. It was ... it was too close."

"Are you saying I almost died -- again?"

He gave me a long look before saying softly, "Yes." Then he turned away and began to walk. I followed him and Teal'c covered our rear.

"Where are we?"

"We're heading for the Gate. I told you I want Fraiser to have a look at you."

"I guessed that. I mean what planet is this? What are we doing here?"

* * *

His words sent a chill down my spine. I had a bad feeling ever since he woke up. That didn't exactly come out right. I was ecstatic that he woke up. What I meant was that I thought there was something wrong. The way he looked at me, the things he said. Nothing wrong with any of it, except that it didn't feel right. Now I knew why.

I wondered if perhaps shock or something had made him forget his actual death, something I saw as a plus. If he never remembered that, it would be too soon. He had more than enough nightmares as it was. But this...he'd forgotten much more than just the quake. He didn't even remember where we were or why we were here.

"P2X-579," I said. "You remember; the Goa'uld ruins you wanted to explore since they were found months ago. We got permission to spend a few weeks here while you regrouped."

"What? P2X-579? I don't recall that designation. You sure Jack?"

"Yeah. Look, don't worry; it's probably delayed shock or something. Let's just get you home and see what Fraiser thinks."

"Right," he said, frowning. "Jack, what did you mean regrouped? And what's this about four weeks? Something is very wrong here. We're supposed to be going to find Kheb to try and find the baby.

"Sha're's baby?" I asked cautiously, my heart thudding in my chest. Kheb? We'd been to Kheb nearly two years ago.

His eyebrow's raised, "Well of course. What the hell is wrong with you Jack? You were there when Bra'tak helped us find it. Just waiting for Hammond to confirm when we can ship out."

"We'll talk about it when we get home, Danny," I said softly.

* * *

Danny? Since when has he called me Danny in that tone of voice? Ever since that damned undercover mission things have gone from bad to worse between us.

When I finally admitted to myself that he had no choice and I forgave him, I tried to get things back the way they were but Jack seemed to want to keep the distance that had grown between us. I don't understand why and for once Jack wasn't talking.

Today, this is ...this feels... I wish this was real. It's probably just his reaction to my ...accident? My near death? That's another thing, why won't he tell me more about that, what does he have to hide? I'm beginning to be a little afraid of whatever it is.

Finally we reached the Gate and Teal'c dialled home, Jack wouldn't let me leave his side.

On the ramp I found the General and Doc Fraiser waiting for me. They both seemed quiet and Janet was very quick to take my arm and lead me to a waiting gurney.

"Oh no, I can walk. I'm fine," I insisted.

"It's all right; he walked from the beach to the Gate. He seems okay," Jack said.

"Accompany the doctor, please Dr. Jackson. I appreciate you feel well but it has been a particular trial to those of us waiting."

I frowned, looking around the Gateroom and I was surprised at how many familiar faces were there, faces whose duty wouldn't normally take them to the Gateroom. I glanced at Jack but for once he wasn't looking at me. He was holding a whispered conversation with the General.

He saw me looking and smiling, nodded at me.

"Daniel?" Janet reminded me gently. "Come along."

I turned and followed her out.

* * *

The General was concerned that Daniel seemed to have lost a couple of years of his memories. He asked that I go and write out a full report of what had happened and he was going to talk to Janet. I wanted to go to the infirmary too but Hammond said he wanted my report written first, while it was fresh in my mind. As if I could ever forget a single second of that day.

The General did agree that if anything new happened he would inform me immediately, so reluctantly I went to my office instead of the infirmary.

I sat behind my desk trying to psyche myself up to write the damned thing and it suddenly hit me I would have to relive those terrible few minutes and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. Only the knowledge the Daniel was alive and sitting a few floors above me in the infirmary being subjected to the tender mercies of a mini Napoleon allowed me to get a hold of myself.

I sat back in my chair and let my mind drift to the moment the sarcophagus opened and I looked inside to find Daniel looking back at me. I could still recall the intense fear replaced by a dizzy joy that he had survived. At the time I never even considered the possibility that something might go wrong; I thought it would either work or it wouldn't. He would live or he would stay dead. Now I was faced with an alive Daniel who didn't remember our relationship. Worse than that, the time he seemed to be 'living' in was the worse period of our association.

It was then that I'd finally realised I was in love with Daniel and I was running scared; so much so that I pushed him away, stopped listening to his suggestions and advice. This particular time he was reliving was a difficult one. He had tried for months, ever since Sha're had died to get us to search for her son, the harcesis child. Of course I'd told him that I didn't believe in the message Sha're had sent him through the ribbon device as Amaunet was trying to kill him.

Some friend I was. Even when we were on the actual planet, standing in the temple precincts I wouldn't listen to him. I could remember the actual phrase, the very wording showed that he didn't really expect me to take his advice; 'If you've ever trusted me Jack, now is the time'. What did I do? I waited until Bra'tak acted and then I lay my weapon down. No wonder Daniel was so down after that episode, not only did he lose the last connection with his wife, his supposed best friend showed that he didn't really trust him after all. I hated myself for what I put him through back then.

Now I was faced with a Daniel who believed our relationship -- our friendship -- was still that distant, that distrustful. It hadn't been true then but I'd done a damned good job of persuading him that it was!

Looking back though, we'd gotten past that stage, eventually. I got my head out of my ass and slowly I regained his trust, his friendship and, with my new acceptance of who I really was and my belief in him, I set about winning his love.

I had an advantage this time though. I knew that even then, at our lowest point, he was already in love with me. In his own way he was as insecure as I had been and didn't believe he was worthy of anyone's love, least of all mine. Can you believe the guy? He thought he wasn't worthy of me! Sheesh!

Enough with all this meandering down memory lane. Against all the odds I'd got Daniel back and whatever condition he was in I would be grateful until the day I died. Even if I failed to win his love back and we only stayed friends I was overjoyed to have him in my life. Only a short time ago I was contemplating suicide because he was gone from my life; I would take him any way I could get him.

With that thought in mind I settled down to write my report, knowing the sooner I handed it in the General, the sooner I could go to the infirmary and see Daniel.

* * *

What the hell is going on? The Doc said that physically I seemed fine but she wouldn't release me, just kept asking all these questions. Personal stuff and even about recent missions. I don't understand. I need to talk to Jack, there's something he's not telling me, something happened on that planet. Everyone knows but me, why are they keeping it secret? Was it something I did? Jack seemed upset. Not as angry as he sometimes could be though.

Wait, could it be something he did? Could he have caused my ...accident? He didn't come to see me after all and one thing he never shirked was his responsibility to his team when they were injured.

"Janet?" I interrupted her latest question about my torture by the Bedrosians, hardly something I wanted to dwell on. "Is Jack in trouble, is that why he hasn't come to the infirmary?"

"In trouble, whatever makes you think that?"

"Because nobody will say what happened to me. I only know that Jack was with me. He told me I nearly died. I thought...wondered..." I stopped. I couldn't put it into words, couldn't suggest it was his fault without knowing for certain.

"It's all right, Daniel," she said. "I'm sure he'll be down here as soon as he can. General Hammond told me the colonel has to write his report first, that's all."

I nodded but I was still worried. The General would usually wait for a written report and I had seen Jack giving him a verbal one. Whatever had happened I didn't want Jack to suffer for it. I was fine now. Perhaps if I spoke to the general.

Also, for a selfish reason I wanted Jack to lead the mission to Kheb.

The door to the infirmary swung open then and Jack marched in. He looked around, smiled when he saw me and hurried over.

"Hey Doc," he said, his eyes on me. "Daniel okay?"

"Yes, Colonel, he is fine. Just checking his recall. His memory of his ...last mission to Bedrosia seems quite complete."

A look passed between them. I wasn't meant to see but I did.

"Can I have a few minutes?" Jack asked and she nodded.

"Not too long though. I want you to get some rest, Daniel. I'm keeping him in overnight just as a precaution," she added to Jack.

"Janet," I moaned. She just gave me one of her looks and left us alone.

"Don't waste your breath, Daniel," Jack grinned.

"Is everything all right, Jack?"

"Now I know you're okay," he answered.

"Will you tell me what happened? Was it my fault, did I do something?"

"No, Daniel, it wasn't anybody's fault. It was just an accident. We were damn lucky there was a sarcophagus there buried in the ruins."

"I don't understand why I ...we were there. I don't remember anything about that place. Why we would go there now, when we are due to go to Kheb?"

"Daniel, there is something you need to understand," he said hesitantly. "Your memory is confused. Err, Janet thinks it may be a result of your ...accident, or possibly it could be something to do with the sarcophagus."

"What do you mean, I'm confused? I feel fine."

"Daniel, we went to Kheb two years ago. We found the harcesis and he is safe."

* * *

I never want to see that look on his face again. I've just told him he had lost two years of his life.

There had been quite a heated debate between General Hammond, Doc Fraiser and myself as to how we'd handle it. Fraiser said it wasn't normally considered wise to inform amnesiacs of their past history, it was better for them to remember it themselves. However, Daniel's case was somewhat different. There was no way he could function in the SGC like that and he was just too damned important a resource to lose. Janet had said it was possible the amnesia was caused by his anoxia as he drowned -- I had to fight the nausea as the memory assailed me and I kept quiet. The General commented that surely the sarcophagus should have compensated for that. The obvious question then arose whether the sarcophagus was operating at one hundred percent. After all, it had spent many hundreds of years beneath the sea.

I mentioned that Daniel was desperate to go on the mission to Kheb which he was convinced was due the next day. We couldn't keep the fact from him that he wasn't going. I suggested just telling him the fact of his anaemia and hoped it may trigger something. If not, he could still function and hopefully his memory would return gradually.

Reluctantly they agreed.

I hadn't quite counted on his reaction. To be honest there was an element of selfishness in my request. Don't get me wrong, I really did believe he had to be told but I hoped it would jog his memory and he would recall what we meant to each other.

Instead he was shocked at the loss of those two years and immediately he began to question me. He wanted to know all about Kheb and the child. I had to tell him that I was only allowed to inform him of the basic fact of his amnesia.

"Please Jack, I know you don't always trust my instincts any more but I need to know. I promised Sha're and I have to know I did the right thing by her and her child."

His words hurt because I had done that to him and now I needed to reassure him. "Hush, Daniel. Everything is fine. I do trust you, I always have. Look, you're getting upset and Janet will have my hide. Try and rest tonight as she wants. I'll talk it over again with her and the General. See what I can do. Please, trust me, everything is gonna be okay. Promise."

I stood up and plumped up his pillows. "Come on, lie down."

"Everything is fine. The baby is okay? I didn't ruin anything?" he asked panic in his voice.

"No. The harcesis is fine. That's all I can say. Please, Daniel, rest now. I'll stay while you settle, then go and see what I can do. I'll be back early in the morning."

He slipped lower under the covers. He wasn't happy but he must have recognised he wouldn't get anything else out of me. He closed his eyes and I brushed the hair back from his forehead, gently stroking a few times the way he liked it when he was tense. I longed to lean down and kiss his forehead, and then his lips. Instead I comforted myself that he was there and he was safe. That was everything.

* * *

I let Jack believe I was asleep so he left me to go and get some answers from the General. I wanted answers too but I knew I wasn't going to get them just yet and I wanted to be alone to think; to try and make some sense of this. It wasn't that I doubted Jack; in fact now I understood the difference in his behaviour, it made things a little clearer. His attitude was much kinder, gentler. I could only assume that we had mended our fences sometime during the last two years.

Two years! How could I have possibly lost two years of my life? How many changes had taken place? I was still working for the SGC, still on SG1, presumably. I still felt the need to find Sha're's child, to protect him from Apophis and other Goa'uld who may wish him harm. Yet Jack said he was safe. Jack wouldn't lie to me, this I knew.

So, all my old ties to Sha're had gone, severed two years ago. Yet I was still here, still fighting in a war I never wanted. I knew fighting the Goa'uld would not have been reason enough on its own for me to stay, except perhaps I had nowhere else to go. I couldn't return to my chosen career, not while my discoveries were still secret and my peers still held me in contempt. I suppose I could have gone back to Abydos, to Kasuf and Skaara; I would always have a home there.

Yet I was still here at the SGC. Therefore something else must have kept me here. Revenge? Was I that petty that I would need to wage this war in revenge for Sha're? I don't think so. I know so far -- so far as my memory took me -- I had a reason while I was searching for the child.

People - people were what drove me. Whether to learn about the lives of the ancient races or to live with their present day counterparts, my motivation was always people. Friends, family, lovers. Lovers? Strange that I should use that term. I'd had a wife and a few ex-girlfriends but I don't remember ever calling them lovers. Something else that had changed it seemed. Friends - my team were my friends, my family, extended by Janet and even the General. That must be why I was still here, to help those I considered family. Kasuf and Skaara lived a peaceful, reasonably safe existence on Abydos, my other family was fighting a desperate battle against a terrible enemy. I must have chosen the greater need.

What had Jack said about regrouping? Something about getting permission to spend a few weeks on that planet while I regrouped. What on earth was that supposed to mean? I had been allowed to spend weeks investigating a ruin, presumably a Goa'uld site considering there was a sarcophagus in situ. Why? Even more important, what had happened to me that left Jack so shaken?

The more I thought about this, the more confused I became. No answers, just more and more questions and I was developing a headache. Not very sensible I had to admit.

With a sigh of frustration I knew I would have to wait until Jack or someone told me what had happened in the intervening two years or until my memory came back.

* * *

I'd managed to get a few hours shut eye, can't really call it sleep because I wasn't rested. Too strung out to relax enough to sleep, I guess.

I'd been meeting with the General late into the night trying to persuade him to let me tell Daniel a little more. He was very sympathetic, understood exactly what I was saying, what Daniel was going through but still he turned me down.

Doc Fraiser had already been talking to him apparently. She had asked a colleague for expert advice; ever since Mackenzie had been transferred we didn't have a permanent psychologist on base but Janet had a good relationship with the shrink at the Academy Hospital. Good enough that he agreed with everything she'd already said and advised very strongly against telling Daniel anything else than was absolutely necessary for him to function at the most basic level. Hammond was adamant, Daniel would have to remember on his own or he would have to learn to live with the gaps. I didn't like it but who was I to argue with the experts. In the end, they ...I had to do what was best for Daniel.

So now I was sitting by his bed waiting for him to wake up, dreading those penetrating blue eyes boring into me. I had awful trouble saying no to Daniel when he turned those eyes on me at full wattage. With a terrible pang I wondered if he'd even remember what a pushover I could be when he used his full arsenal on me. I would like nothing better than to see the sad eyes turned on me as he looked over his glasses, trembling lower lip caught in his teeth. God the bastard could turn me to jello with that one -- I missed him so much.

The only thing that Hammond had given me permission to discuss with Daniel was the sarcophagus because there was nothing about that to impinge on his memory problem. While I had been struggling to write my report, Hammond had discussed with Carter the advisability or otherwise of bringing the sarcophagus back to the SGC as I had instructed her. I had to admit I hadn't been thinking very clearly at that particular moment and when I heard that she had recommended leaving it where it was while she carried out whatever tests she could, I was in full agreement.

If it had been brought back to the SGC it would've been impossible to keep it a secret so eventually it would have ended up at Area 51 and the idea of such a powerful device in the hands of the NID was appalling.

The General had given his approval for a science team to ship out and join Carter and SG11 on P2X-579. Teal'c suggested his knowledge might be of use too so he had joined the expedition.

I thought maybe talking about the machine might take Daniel's mind of his situation. If I could get him thinking about the sarcophagus and particularly the site where it had been found it might even help jog his memory.

My thoughts were interrupted by a low moan and then Daniel mumbled something but I couldn't understand what he was saying. He must have been dreaming for his face scrunched up and for a moment I thought he might cry, then his expression smoothed out and he sighed. Then slowly his eyes opened.

He looked at me. He blinked repeatedly. Then the tears slowly rolled down his cheeks.

* * *

I could hardly believe it was real. It was like a bad dream but the pain didn't fade as I returned to the real world, it only intensified.

I could hide no longer; there was no relief in sleep, no relief in waking.

I opened my eyes. I wasn't alone, Jack was there sitting by my bed in the infirmary. Even though I hated being stuck in here I was also utterly grateful not to be alone with my own thoughts. My own visions. I couldn't get that vision out of my head. Sleeping or waking it was there.

I felt the hot tears well and overflow, rolling down my cheeks.

"Jack..." I uttered, bereft. He understood and quickly sat on the side of my bed and gathered me in his arms.

"It's okay," he said gently, "You're all right. I'm here. Shush, shush." He rocked me back and forth and I collapsed against him, revelling in the strength of him, this friend of mine, this rock in my shattered life.

"I miss ...her ...so much, Jack. How can I carry on without her?"

He went rigid, holding me tightly against him, so close I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Slowly, so slowly he moved away and I missed the comfort of his arms.

He looked at me and I waited for him to speak but he just stared at me. I felt uncomfortable and I needed to fill the void. "It's so hard to finally know I'll never have her back. I kept hoping that one day, maybe... I suppose I knew somewhere deep inside that I lost her that day three years ago but I never admitted it to myself. Not consciously, just in my dreams, my nightmares."

As I spoke I saw the tension leave his body and his eyes softened. I realised what it probably was, I must have reminded him of losing Charlie.

"I know, I understand," he said, carefully, afraid perhaps to hurt my feelings. "But now you know she's gone. You saw her ...you saw it."

Why did I feel as if he was asking me ...a question, as if he needed confirmation?

"Jack?"

"I'm sorry," he said. "You don't need reminding of that."

I dropped my head, "No," I murmured. "I can't get the image out of my head. I keep seeing it over and over. Her aiming the ribbon device at me. Pain pounding in me. Her words washing over me and then suddenly he was there. Even though I could hardly see any more I knew he was there, I knew what he would do. I wanted to call out to him, wanted to ...but I couldn't speak. Then it was too late, she was lying there, dying. Oh god, Jack how I am ever going to be able to face him."

"With time and understanding, Danny," he said, embracing me again as my tears flowed into his shirt.

* * *

Oh God dammit, now what? He's regressed even further, though only about six months earlier.

I'd thought for one wonderful moment that he remembered -- everything, even his death. I thought that was the reason for the tears and as sorry as I was for what he must be going through, I was also grateful that I had my Daniel back. But, no it wasn't that, it was Sha're, it was her death that he was remembering.

Why? What the hell was happening? It had to be the sarcophagus surely. Oxygen deprivation wouldn't cause this would it? I needed to go and talk to Fraiser, without upsetting Daniel. At least he remembered being in the infirmary after Sha're died. The Doc had kept him for a few days, partly because of the severe ribboning he'd had at the hands of Amaunet and partly because she wanted to keep an eye on him after he had witnessed Teal'c, his friend, kill Sha're to save him. We all knew Daniel's predilection to guilt.

I arranged to leave, on the pretext of going for breakfast to bring back and share with him, though Daniel refused anything other than a drink, hopefully coffee though he smiled wanly when I said I would try and get it past Janet.

As I turned to leave, Daniel said softly, "Jack, thanks."

My heart leapt in my chest till I remembered he was just talking to his friend, not his lover. Then I smiled, if he wanted a friend then I would be the best friend he could possibly imagine.

"I'll be back soon."

Janet had only just arrived in her office, she too had been late leaving the base last night. I quickly explained that Daniel had regressed even further back into his own past and I asked her if it was likely to be caused by a fault in the sarcophagus rather than lack of oxygen.

"That's a difficult question to answer. I have no information yet on whether the sarcophagus was in perfect working order, if it was then Daniel should have suffered no memory loss at all. Unfortunately, we still know too little about the effects of anoxia on the memory and other aspects of brain damage. To be honest if all Daniel suffers is intermittent memory loss then he is lucky."

"Lucky!"

"Yes, Colonel! A person surviving drowning -- I know that was not precisely the case with Daniel," she said quickly before I could interrupt. "Can develop varied conditions from the loss of oxygen. The brain uses twenty percent of the oxygen the body needs. Fine motor skills can be affected, intelligence, problem-solving and even decision-making can all be affected. Now from the tests and questioning I did with Daniel yesterday everything else seems to be fine. He is lucky, Colonel. You were the one who was with him....Oh, God, I'm sorry, I had no right to ..."

"No, Janet," I said softly. "I've been telling myself since the moment I opened that sarcophagus that it was a miracle he was still with me ...us and I had no right to forget that. He is lucky and so am I.

"You are the only one who knows the truth, Janet," I said quietly. "Without your understanding and willingness to keep our secret I'd have had to retire a year ago. I love my job but I love Daniel more. When he ...died I had no wish to go on without him so, though it irks me to say this that damned machine saved both our lives."

"You do understand he may never remember, Jack," she said gently.

"Yeah and it is something I could never tell him," I confessed sadly. "If all he wants is a friend, then that will have to be enough."

She gave me a searching look and I couldn't avoid her inquisitiveness for I knew it was not merely curiosity. She was a good friend and she deserved to know the truth.

"Give him time, Jack. Even if he never regains his memory he fell in love with you once, perhaps..."

"That is my hope."

* * *

That was only the beginning.

It became torture for me.

Each night Daniel went to sleep after a difficult day of trying to cope with a life he didn't understand. Each morning he awoke to another time in his own past.

Some days, like when he believed Sha're had just died I didn't tell him the truth, that would have just been too painful and the need never arose. He never left the infirmary and everyone was kept away from him except for me and Janet.

The days he awoke and couldn't understand why he was in the infirmary when his memory told him he should be elsewhere, they were the difficult ones. Daniel was so intelligent and inquisitive it was useless to try and lie to him.

One of the most difficult times was the day he awoke and was convinced he was hallucinating because he believed he was locked up in the damned white room. He wouldn't believe I was really there. He kept clapping his hands over his ears and shutting his eyes tight. He resorted to chanting at the same time to drown out my voice.

"Not here, he's not here. Can't see him, can't hear him. Jack's not here. I'm alone, always alone. Not here, he's not here."

He kept repeating it over and over and I understood for the first time just how lonely he'd been, how abandoned he must have felt. My gut clenched with guilt.

He cried the day he awoke and remembered delivering Sha're's baby the day before. That was hard because I hadn't even been there, just heard about it second-hand, as Daniel had been upset at having to watch her leave with Apophis and he hadn't wanted to talk about it. I got Teal'c to come down and visit him, at least this was something they shared.

Each incident seemed to be taking Daniel further back in time and I was becoming more and more doubtful that he would ever regain his memory. I was so afraid of losing him. What if he regressed to before he had even joined the programme?

That night I had a drink of medicinal brandy with Janet. She saw my distress and as I couldn't even talk about it with anyone else she let me have her shoulder to cry on. She was an ever better friend that I knew. I also admitted to her that I was afraid the General wouldn't let this go on much longer. She admitted there was little she could do besides watch and hope.

I asked her if it would be possible for Daniel to leave the infirmary. I really wanted to take him home with me but I knew they wouldn't allow that. I suggested maybe a VIP suite and a trip to the mountain top. He was looking decidedly pale. She said she would think about it but the final say would have to be the General's.

The next morning I was waiting to see what this day would bring, how much further back in his own past Daniel had ventured this time.

It was something of a shock and a relief when after the usual concern as to why he was in the infirmary -- I had become very adept at lying about that -- he asked me if I was feeling any better today.

"You certainly look better," he went on, "You haven't resorted to the alien's language once yet, that's gotta to be good, right?"

"Er yeah," I said hesitantly, wanting to make sure I was thinking of the right time. "I wonder how Carter is."

"She should be in that bed," he said pointing to the bed in the far corner. "Doc Fraiser said she had to rest overnight. I suppose she could have discharged her by now, knowing Sam she'll want to get back to work, trying to help you."

"I think only you can do that, you are the only one who can translate the language," I answered.

I knew for certain now, this was the time I'd had the Ancients knowledge downloaded into my brain and that was a few months after the birth of Sha're's baby. He was moving back the other way. Thank God! If only this was the beginning of a reversal of fortunes.

Of course, if it was it would take us through some of those difficult times again but it would be worth it; whether he remembered our relationship or not, his life would return to as near normal as possible. I could only get through this day and wait what the next would bring.

* * *

Why this? One of the worst days of my life and Daniel can literally remember it as if it were yesterday. He forgave me a lot sooner than I forgave myself. How do you forgive yourself for almost killing the person you love most in all the world? Even now, eighteen months later, my dreams are haunted by the guilt of pushing that button to destroy the Gadmeer ship knowing that Daniel was on board. I knew, of course that it was his choice, I had told him not to go and he had disobeyed me. However, that didn't negate the fact that I decided to destroy the vessel while he still believed a solution was possible. Time constraints put us both in an impossible position and I did feel a deep responsibility for the Enkaran people but the bottom line was that I was prepared to kill him. I still hadn't come to terms with that.

"Jack, stop dwelling on that," he said interrupting my dark thoughts. He hadn't lost the ability to read me and I smiled inside at that. "I gave you no choice. I knew what your plan was and I took a risk. I believed I could talk to Lotan, make him see the Enkarans as more than just an abstract, make him think rather than react to his programming."

"I know, doesn't make me feel any better at pushing the button," I said glumly. Of course Daniel doesn't know the whole truth. He doesn't know that for me it was more than guilt for almost killing a team-mate. Our friendship was on somewhat less rocky ground at that particular time but it was still far from secure and it would be months before he knew how I really felt about him.

Reliving that awful day was only made worthwhile by the fact that once again he had jumped forward a few more months and I was hopeful that eventually he would be back in the present. Whether these jumps through his life would completely restore his memory or just those small sections was still unsure. Janet was uncomfortable about questioning him too much during each new memory recall as it was difficult enough for him to cope when he discovered why he was in the infirmary.

As each day progressed he came to understand his predicament. He wanted answers I couldn't give; he became upset before accepting it was for the best that he regained his own memory. It seemed that each day I had the same conversation with him, we went over the same memories of the early days of the programme but he remembered some things clearer one day than he did the next.

It gave the impression his memory was shifting. I took comfort from the fact that perhaps that meant that it was all there somewhere. It was as if bubbles of memory kept rising and then slipping back to join the ...that image brought back another vision, much less pleasant. Daniel lying trapped under the stones, his air bubbling up and dispersing in the water. A memory I could do without.

The following morning I was the one in shock as Daniel didn't wake up living another part of his past. It was literally just the next day for him, two days since I had almost killed him.

I didn't know whether this was a good thing or not. Janet said it could be a good thing because it meant his memory was stabilising but she had no idea if it meant his memory would stall and the following eighteen months would be forever lost.

We talked some more that day, the first time we had been able to search his memories for more than a few hours. The General finally agreed that Daniel could leave the infirmary and move into a VIP room on the strict understanding that he was still under Janet's care and with a guard on duty.

Much to my pleasure Daniel seemed most comfortable talking to me about his past.

"It's odd, Jack. Sometimes it doesn't feel like they're my memories, it's like watching through a fogged mirror. Others are crystal clear." He suddenly smiled.

"What?" I asked.

"One of my clearest memories is of returning from the destruction of Klorel's ship and waiting for the rest of you to return. It was very hard not being sure if you were all alive. Then finally the General told me you were safe in the shuttle and the next few hours waiting for you to arrive at the Mountain were torture."

I frowned, "But you just said you knew we were safe."

He dipped his head, "Yeah but you didn't know about me."

"Yeah and it was hell thinking you were dead, knowing I'd left you behind to die," I murmured.

"You had no choice, I wanted you to go. I hoped you had a chance on the other ship."

I smiled, "You never give up and for that I'll be eternally grateful. You still haven't said why it was torture for you."

"Because I wasn't sure how you would react when you saw me," he said softly.

"Didn't you?" I replied just as softly. "You were my friend, my best friend. I was ...overwhelmed."

"Yeah, I noticed," he grinned. "You never did tell me what Spacemonkey meant," he hesitated for a second, "did you?"

"No, I never did."

"You going to now?"

"No."

He pouted and for a second I thought he did it on purpose. Daniel, my Daniel, knew exactly what that did to me and I almost leaned in to kiss him. Oh God, how I missed the touch of his lips, the taste of him. I could still remember the feel of his skin under my fingers, the look in his eye as he came...

"Why," he asked and for a moment I'd forgotten what we'd been talking about and I frowned. "Why won't you tell me?" he added.

Smiling sheepishly, I explained, "Because I don't know. It just popped into my head and it seemed so right. Like I said, I was overwhelmed."

We talked some more and then we played a game of chess and suddenly he stopped mid-move with his piece hovering over the board. He stared at me.

"It was a room just like this, we were playing chess and I saw it. It was horrible, I actually saw it going into you," he said, his voice shaky.

"It wasn't real, Danny, you know that. It was M'achello's little bug," I said softly. Was I going to have to apologise for that again? Had that memory gone once again?

"I know, I know. It just seems so real. I can see it, Jack. It's ... it was just the same as when I saw Hathor put one in you." He dropped his head so I couldn't see his eyes. "I can still feel the shame I felt then when I didn't try to help you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Daniel, please. That was almost three years ago and I never, never held you accountable for that. Considering your history with that bitch you held up remarkably well. There was nothing anyone could've done. I'm just grateful that Tok'ra was around, about the only time I have been, except maybe for..." I stopped. I almost mentioned something that he hadn't remembered yet.

"Maybe for what?"

"Oh, Jacob. I can put up with Jacob." I think he knew that hadn't been what I was originally going to say but he didn't question me any further.

It was late by then and Daniel was tired. I suggested he get to bed and I would see him again in the morning. We looked at each other, both wondering what the morning would bring, I guess. I certainly was and by the trace of fear in his eyes I was pretty sure he was afraid of what he didn't yet remember. I could at least offer him a little comfort with words.

"Don't be afraid, Daniel. You were never alone, you have family and friends. You help them and they help you. Together we are strong."

"Were we together, Jack?" he asked.

I stared at him. He couldn't mean what I wanted him to, it was too soon.

Carefully, I said, "I'm your best friend, Daniel and I love you."

He smiled, eyes lighting up. "Thank you, Jack, I needed that. I don't know what I would do without your friendship. I think maybe sometimes I've forgotten just what you mean to me. Day in, day out it is just there and it loses its value. These leaps in memory are teaching me a lesson. I don't think I've ever told you, at least I can't remember," he said with a grimace, "but I value your friendship so much and I love you for it."

I sucked in a breath, wishing he meant more. Unable to risk speaking just then, I nodded and left. Outside I leaned against the wall closing my eyes to gather myself. It may not be exactly what I wanted but it was a lot. His friendship was a treasure I would cherish if that was all he could offer.

* * *

I watched as his eyes widened and softened. For once Jack seemed unable to speak and he simply nodded at me and left. As the door closed I wondered what he would say if he knew how I really felt.

The last two days had been a revelation for me and I was amazed that I could have been so blind. My eyes had been opened and as odd as it seemed I was grateful for the flashes of memory even though I still didn't know any details of how I'd been injured. It no longer seemed important.

I had just told Jack I loved him and I did; he was simply the best friend I had ever had but it was so much more. I longed to tell him that too but I knew it was impossible.

I had a quick shower and got ready for bed. I was tired, yet I was afraid to sleep. I didn't want to wake up and find myself in another time, I wanted to wake tomorrow. I wanted this feeling to last, to stay fresh. I never wanted to lose it.

I wanted to share it. God I wanted to tell him.

* * *

This morning had been difficult. I'd gone to Daniel's VIP room half expecting that he would still be in the same time frame as last night. I knocked but he didn't answer. The guard said he'd heard nothing from inside. I knocked again suddenly afraid that I had made a mistake in pushing for Daniel to be allowed to sleep away from the infirmary.

When he didn't answer the second knock I called through the door. "It's me, Jack. I'm coming in," and using my electronic card I did just that.

I found him sitting on the bed, rocking back and forth. "What's wrong, Daniel?" I asked gently.

"It hurts," he murmured.

"What does?" I asked moving to the bed and sitting down near him. I wanted to take him in my arms but I didn't know how he would react to that. I wasn't sure yet where ...when we were.

"My head, where she used that damned ribbon device on me."

Oh no, God no, please don't let him have regressed back to Sha're's death again.

He turned to look and me and I saw the anger. "Why weren't you there, you bastard! Maybe if you had been there we could've saved her."

"What?"

"You threw the fucking phone in the lake; how could you do that?"

I breathed a sigh of relief which didn't go down too well with an infuriated archaeologist who had been abandoned by his C.O. I had no excuse for that other than the fact that I wanted him and couldn't have him, couldn't even fucking tell him and I let my frustration get the better of me.

I'd offered to go with him to the funeral of his old professor in Chicago and he said no. I took the huff at the time and stormed off to my cabin with poor Teal'c in tow to show him I didn't need Daniel when the truth was I needed him so badly it hurt. Later, much later he confessed that he didn't want me to come because he thought I'd probably deck Steven and be jealous of Sarah. I had to agree with him, though when I asked him why he thought I'd be jealous of Sarah when he didn't yet know how I felt about him. He'd shrugged and admitted it was more of a feeling than a fact. He'd laughed and said after all, he knew me. Bastard! Course, he was right.

"I'm sorry," I said now. "It was a petty, selfish act and I can only ask you to forgive me."

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish. I wanted to smile because I had made the linguist speechless but I knew I daren't. I waited.

"Oh, well, okay but can you tell me why?"

Damn, now what do I say? The truth?

"I was jealous. I thought maybe your old friends meant more to you than me. Like I said, petty. Sorry. If you makes you feel any better Hammond tore me off a strip for it. I can promise it will never happen again."

"You were wrong, Jack and I hope I was wrong that it would have made any difference if you had been there."

I deserved that; I had been a little less forthright, less honest the first time we'd had this similar discussion and Daniel had been angry at me for quite some time.

"However, I will tell you this. You had no reason to be jealous of my ...friendship with Sarah. It was good while it lasted but it is just a memory now. I told you that you were the best friend I ever had and I meant it. Not that you always deserve it!"

"Do you need to go to the infirmary?" I asked and he frowned. "Headache?" I reminded him.

His eyes went wide, "It's odd but it's gone. Usually they last for days."

I knew now I would have to tell him that it was only the memory of a headache. Another day of questions and answers. He had moved forward again. How much longer would this go on?

Would he stop at that time, our time? Would he jump past it and if he did would his memory change?

His response to events as they occurred seemed pretty much as they had been the first time around, except he allowed me to see some reactions I had never been privy to before. I was unsure if it was because I was forcing the issue by always being present when he awoke or if it was simply that even subconsciously he trusted me more now than he had then. If that was true, did that not mean that deep inside he still loved me?

* * *

The next couple of days Daniel's memory remained around the time of the Osiris incident and we spent a lot of time talking. The General finally gave his permission for Daniel to leave the complex and I took him up top; we walked to one of our favourite spots on the mountain. We ate lunch and talked and I felt the best I had in days. Daniel seemed more relaxed, more like his old self and it seemed that his memories up to that time were pretty complete.

He didn't eat as much as I would've liked but with Daniel that wasn't unusual. Instead he got up and walked a short distance away, seemingly looking at the view.

"I wish I could go home," he suddenly said. He turned around and smiled, "I'd even go to your place, Jack. That always felt like home to me too, you know?"

I felt warmth flow through me at that simple confession. "You're always welcome at my place, Daniel, always. I'll have a talk with the Doc and Hammond, see how the suggestion goes down."

It was a warm afternoon, I was relaxed and comfortable in Daniel's company and before long I found myself drifting off to sleep.

Daniel was lying alongside me, long fingers tracing circles on my naked chest. He leaned over and kissed my nipple, teasing it with his teeth. I moaned, carding my hands through his hair. I reached down and pulled him up into a passionate kiss, forcing his mouth open with my tongue, to touch and taste every surface in his mouth. He moaned and writhed against me until he finally pulled away, gasping for breath. His eyes were dark with passion and I murmured over and over, "love you, love you," before I pulled him back in for another kiss.

"Jack... Jack."

"Mmm, Danny." I reached over and...I felt a hand shake my shoulder.

"Jack! We need to get inside."

"What?" I sat up quickly. God, did I say anything? "What is it?"

"Rain. That must've been some dream," he grinned. "You didn't want to wake up."

"Don't remember now, it's gone," I lied. I could remember it perfectly and I wanted it to be real. I missed his touch.

* * *

When next I went to Daniel's room in the morning, it was to find him up and pacing. His whole demeanour was that of a caged tiger.

As soon as he saw me he grabbed me by my shoulders and said, "Why is there a guard on the door? I thought it was a dream. Please tell me it wasn't real, that it was a dream. Shifu said dreams teach." He let go, spun on his heel and paced away again but before I could speak he asked again, "Why am I locked in?"

I knew exactly what this was, just a few weeks into the future this time. "It's all right, Daniel. Calm down. It was a dream. I know it was ...scary, but it wasn't real. Believe, me, that's not why there is a guard on the door. He's there to help. He sent for me because he knew you needed help."

"I do? Why?" He suddenly looked panicked, "What's wrong with me?"

I got him to sit down and I explained. It had become like a mantra to me, I was so well practiced now.

He looked stunned, affected more deeply than most of the other times and he sagged.

"Over a year, it's been over a year since this happened to me, you say. To me, it was yesterday. Oh God, I feel so guilty."

"Daniel, it wasn't you. You must understand, that was a Goa'ulded version of you, not the real you. You could never behave like that."

"You're sure? I don't think I am. Some of the things I did, I wanted ... I'm ashamed." He ducked his head and wrapped his arms around his abdomen.

Oh no, Danny, I'm not letting you fall into that state.

"I have to get out of here, Jack. I need air, I need open spaces. Can I leave, am I allowed?"

"Yes, I can take you up top."

"Thank you," he sighed with relief. "I feel trapped, as if there is a huge weight pushing me down."

"It'll be okay, trust me. Come on, we can go up now."

* * *

Trust me, he said and oh, I did. Would he trust me though if he knew some of things I'd done? Some of my desires and needs. He said I'd told him some of the dream but some parts I wouldn't disclose.

He'd never understand if he knew ... I'm not even sure I understand. I didn't think I had that in me. Oh God! I could still feel him under my hands, tasting him, hearing him as he cried out. How could I do that to him when I loved him so?

We were in the elevator now making the long trip to the surface. He was leaning back against the car wall, watching me. What would he think of me if he knew what I'd dreamed of doing to him?

Oh, I had dreams, fantasies about him, couldn't help that but they were normal. Well as normal as any healthy man's fantasies were. But this...

I wasn't even sure I could tell him that my actions resulted in his trying to shoot me but I knew without doubt that I could never tell him what happened next.

I remembered the way he was too soul-weary to even struggle when my guards took him away, though not to prison as he probably expected. No, they took him to an upstairs room where he was chained spread-eagled to the bed. I left him for an about an hour, letting his own mind do some of my work for me.

When I entered the room he was both relieved and nervous to see me, though I'm sure the relief disappeared when I drew the long-bladed knife. His eyes widened and he looked at me, shocked. I'm not sure what he thought I was going to do with it but he was rigid when I placed it at the hollow of his throat. He stared at me and I saw only sorrow. That made me angry, I wanted fear. I backhanded him across the face but that only made him angry and he snarled at me.

I swiftly sliced the clothes from his body, cutting him a couple of time as he attempted to struggle against me. I leaned over him and dragged the knife down his chest, using the blunt side so as not to cut him but to raise welts. He grunted against the pain but said nothing. I wanted him to beg but I knew it would take more, a lot more to make Jack O'Neill beg. I stood up again and began to undress. As I pulled the belt from my pants, I glanced at it and smiled looking at him. I flexed it and dropped it on the bed. A threat, a promise?

Naked, I climbed back on the bed and I lay on top of him. He bucked trying to throw me off but I just gripped his shoulders and ground my mouth into his. He struggled free of my mouth and I guessed he was going to try and bite me so I pulled back and suckled his shoulder instead, nipping it with my teeth. He swore at me viciously and struggled against his bindings. I worked my way down his body before suddenly licking his semi-erect cock. His mind might deny wanting this but his body showed otherwise. I played with his balls while I licked, sucked and nipped at his penis until it was rock hard and then I swallowed him whole. He bucked and screamed at me and I had to hold him down as I sucked him off. My hand released his balls and moved along his perineum to his hole and circled it, pressing my finger against the muscle. I could tell he was pretty near now and I suddenly thrust my finger inside and he arched from the bed and shot down my throat. I swallowed as much as I could, a little dribbling from my mouth.

I sat back licking my lips and feeling really pleased with myself. Jack's eyes were tightly shut as the tears slipped down his face. He was panting as he came down from his high, his body still shuddering.

Reaching out I scooped up the semen that had spilled from my mouth wiping it onto him and his eyes snapped open at the contact. I slipped my hand underneath him and using his semen as lubrication I began to push a finger inside. He swore at me and writhed, trying to move away from my fingers but it was impossible. I grabbed one of the pillows from under his head and shoved it under his hips.

I thought for one moment he was going to say something, maybe beg me not to do this. Instead he just stared me at me, sorrow deep in his eyes. I was furious. I didn't want sorrow, I wanted fear. Forcing his knees apart I lined myself up and forced my cock in...

"Daniel, come on."

Jack's voice broke through the terrible memory and I shuddered. Oh, God! How could I ever face him with that on my conscience? Just a dream he said. Yet it was my dream.

"Daniel, are you okay?"

I forced myself to look up and realised the elevator doors were open and Jack was waiting for me to step out. Avoiding looking at him I walked past and headed for the security desk.

When we were alone again, he asked, "What was that about?"

I kept walking; suddenly I wanted to be well away from him. I hated the man I knew now I could become. I was afraid of him.

A hand on my shoulder halted me and swung me around. "Enough, Daniel. Talk to me."

I dipped my head, "I don't think I can."

* * *

"Yes, you can," I said. "We've been here before, Daniel. I know about the dream, at least as much as you would tell me. There were some things you wouldn't talk about and I understand. You need to understand it wasn't you. It was a Goa'uld. You were as much a host as Sha're or any other poor soul."

He began to speak then, slowly at first, gathering momentum as the memory took hold.

I knew what he would tell, and part of what he wouldn't. You see, he finally told me about three months ago what tore him apart most from that terrible dream. It wasn't Moscow, as awful as that was, it wasn't even that I was forced to try and shoot him. It was that he raped me.

I realised that's what hit him in the elevator. He went white and I noticed he couldn't meet my eyes. I can't help wonder if this will act as some kind of trigger for him though I could wish for a gentler introduction to the idea that he might desire me. I want to comfort him but I could never mention it unless he told me first.

He spoke for quite some time, feeling and exhibiting all the guilt he'd already lived through. I tried to convince him that no one held him responsible for that dream but Daniel remembering the incident now was no less difficult than it was at the time.

In the end the clinching argument was that I was still his best friend and had never been anything less.

I could see he was still struggling with the memory of that attack on me. Daniel had never told me any details but I gathered it wasn't pretty and he was very ashamed of it.

"Daniel," I said quietly. "There is nothing, nothing in that dream that I would ever hold you accountable for. Nothing. Believe me." It was the best I could do, I hoped it would be enough.

"You don't know everything I did," he said, his voice shaking. "If you did you ...might think differently."

"No, I wouldn't. Daniel, it wasn't you. You may doubt that, I don't."

He closed his eyes for a moment, then met my gaze directly. "Thank you, Jack."

"Ready for lunch? I am. Haven't had breakfast yet!"

* * *

This was one of those times in Daniel's life that I wished he didn't have to remember and now that he had I only wanted him to forget. It couldn't be, of course and if history repeated itself it would be months into our relationship before he could finally admit his terrible secret. I so wanted this time to pass, for him to wake the next morning in some other memory somewhere in his future.

I wanted him to wake next time around at the time we finally admitted our feelings to each other but for that to happen he had to live through another difficult, painful memory. I was selfish enough to want my Daniel back and if he slipped past that time would he do so with that memory intact? I had this terrible, maybe even irrational, fear that if he didn't relive that memory he wouldn't remember us.

The incident had happened only a few short weeks after Shifu's dream and the leaps ahead had been shortening but not as close as those two episodes. Was I so wrong to want him put him through that again? True, it was selfish but the Daniel who had loved me would never have wanted to lose our relationship, of that I am sure.

I had been chewing this over all night and the bottom line was that it didn't matter whether what I wanted was selfish or not. It was simply a matter of what would be, would be -- karma. Neither I, nor Daniel had any control over any of this.

Hammond called me to his office before he left the mountain last evening to tell me of Carter's report on what had been discovered so far about the sarcophagus. They had only found one very small fault with the device, though it may have been enough to cause Daniel's strange amnesia. Apparently one of the crystals that powered and controlled the machine was cracked and not operating correctly. In layman's terms it was fucked. As Carter put it, it was working slightly out of sequence possibly affecting the restoration of the brain. Janet supposed it could affect the firing of the nerves in the brain or the frequency of the brain waves. She admitted it was only an educated guess without enough evidence to postulate a provable theory.

Unfortunately she also said she had no idea if, let alone when, his memory would return in full.

Now I was on my way to see if this morning would bring any new memories. I was nervous of what I might find. I had to stop thinking about my needs and think about what was best for Daniel, whatever the future brought.

I suggested to General Hammond that if the worse came to the worse and Daniel never regained any further memories, he was perfectly capable of rejoining SG1 and carrying on with his life. To my relief the General agreed. Apparently he'd been discussing the situation with the Doc and she confirmed that the only thing wrong with Daniel was the amnesia and as that didn't affect his knowledge or his memory of most of his time with the SGC she saw no reason that he could not return to duty when his condition had finally stabilised.

I felt Daniel would be much happier, adapt much quicker back into his life if he was living it to the full -- at least as full as was possible for someone with a portion of it missing.

I nodded to the guard on duty. "Quiet last night, sergeant?"

"Yes, sir," he said then he hesitated.

"Something else?"

"I thought I heard something a few minutes ago. As if he dropped... or I think maybe he threw something, sir."

"Thank you, sergeant."

I nodded not letting him see my concern. I opened the door quietly and stepped inside. Daniel was pacing up and down muttering to himself in a language I didn't understand but I didn't need to know the words to get the gist. He was angry and when he saw me he stopped pacing and stalked towards me. He stood almost in my personal space and stared at me.

"What the fucking hell am I doing locked up in here?"

"It's for your own protection, Daniel," I said carefully. My heart leapt in my chest because I thought -- I hoped -- I recognised this behaviour.

"My protection? What sort of twisted lie is that?" he snapped and then he started pacing again as if he couldn't keep still. "I need to get back to the planet. You were there when I told the general. I can't stand being locked up in here." He turned to me again. "You've got to help me get back there."

"Back to the Goa'uld pleasure palace, Daniel?"

He frowned at me and for a moment I thought I was mistaken and my gut clenched.

"Where the hell else!" he suddenly spat and scooping up the pitcher from the nearby table, threw it across the room.

Taking a breath to get myself under control, I said. "The general won't allow that just yet. Look, if you can persuade me, maybe I can talk him round."

"You'll really help me?" he asked warily.

"Yeah sure but you don't want to anger the general any further by making a spectacle here on the base. I can take you out. Let's get out of here and we can talk in private."

I just wanted him away from everyone. If he wanted to rant and rave he could do that up top away from everyone. Hopefully he would calm down enough so we could talk but if that proved impossible I could take him back to the infirmary. I had no doubt I could handle him even in this condition.

He seemed eager to go and stalked to the door. I quickly opened it and informed the guard I was taking him up top. He had standing orders to inform Doc Fraiser of our movements if we left the VIP room.

Daniel virtually bounced along the corridor to the elevator and even in the small car he needed to pace back and forth. Most of the way to the surface he complained about the general's short-sightedness in not allowing him back, saying there was so much to study, it was a virtual paradise overflowing with information. I quietly reminded him of Barber's death and for a moment he stopped pacing and stared at me.

"Barber," he breathed.

Then almost as if a switch was flicked he began pacing again and his tirade continued unabated.

We finally reached the surface and I walked him to our favourite spot again. Of course, he didn't remember we had been here only yesterday. This time I hadn't even been able to tell him yet that he was only reliving a memory; it was affecting his behaviour too strongly.

For almost three hours he paced and ranted and raved at not being able to return. He kept going on about the wonderful discoveries he was being kept from, telling me how important it was and that he must go back. I attempted to calm him down and make him see sense but that only resulted in anger and frustration. Couldn't I see, didn't I understand? He seemed to need the confrontation with me, it appeared to feed his anger and I wanted to draw as out as much as I could, figuring he would burn out and perhaps then we could finally talk.

I had stupidly forgotten the most important aspect of that time.

Anger gave way to despair before the final collapse.

He stalked away from me muttering and I thought that finally he was winding down. I let him go, hoping he could pace away the frustration as he moved off to the viewpoint looking out across the valley below. I sat on a fallen log watching him for a few minutes. He seemed to still be muttering to himself, pacing a little then finally he stopped and turned towards the edge. He moved nearer to where there was a small barrier protecting the viewer from the drop below. He put his hands on it and leaned forward his eyes searching the sky above. Then suddenly he dropped his head, his chin pulled into his chest and he let go of the barrier and wrapped his arms around himself as he took a step forward.

I leapt up as the memory slammed into me and I ran to the point.

I didn't know if he was really suicidal the way he had been that day on the balcony of his apartment but the fear I felt was as real. That day had given me nightmares for months and I was furious with myself for allowing my relief that he might eventually relive the joy of this memory to cloud my own memories of that time. I had saved his life by a whisker that day and I had stupidly allowed him to risk himself on the edge of cliff face.

As I got nearer I heard the words that were burned in my brain; that had haunted my sleep night after night.

"None of it means anything. I tried; it just goes away," he whispered brokenly.

I found myself repeating the words I spoke a year ago, "Whatever's wrong, we'll fix it." I moved slowly so as not to spook him.

He turned very slowly as if he wasn't even sure I was there. Eyes full of sorrow met mine. "You don't even know what I'm talking about," he said desperately.

"Maybe I do," I said softly and reaching out carefully, I gently pulled him towards me, away from the totally useless barrier at the cliff edge.

Murmuring soothing words, "I'm here, it's all right," I gathered him close into my body and with a sob he dropped his head onto my shoulder.

I held him and rocked him gently as his sobs wracked him and he murmured broken words of loss and pain. He was lamenting what he considered the failures of his life.

"Oh, Danny, Danny," I said distractedly as I heard him mention his parents, his grandfather, Nick. "Hush, hush," I said clumsily as he talked in a broken voice of missing Sha're.

"It's all right, Daniel," I said, absently running my fingers through his hair. "You're not alone."

He pulled back a little and looked at me with such pain in his eyes that I sucked in a breath. "Aren't I?" he said softly. "You went away too..." He pulled out of my arms and walked a few steps away.

It wasn't as I remembered it. I could still see him standing on the outside edge of his balcony, hanging on by his fingernails. The words had made less sense to me then, it had taken a harrowing talk, days later, to fully realise why he was teetering eight storeys above the concrete.

However that had only been the beginning as he finally slipped into a coma. As I was facing the same fate I was forced to sling his dead-weight over my shoulder and dash up the ramp and through the wormhole after he had flat-lined. Doc Fraiser told me his only chance of life lay through the Gate in the Goa'uld palace. When we arrived I carefully lowered him onto the floor of that hated place and dropped down beside him. He was dead, no longer breathing, that heart of gold no longer beating.

I desperately wanted to start CPR but what with the effects of my withdrawal and my exhaustion I was already gasping for breath. Panicked, I looked around for the others but they were nowhere in sight. Daniel needed help immediately but no way could I provide what he needed.

I dragged in enough air to yell for Carter as I ineffectually shook him, silently begging him to wake up.

Carter arrived, looking puzzled and distracted, to finally help and I dropped to my knees to watch as he was pulled once again from the jaws of death.

That night lying only a few feet away from him, I finally managed to fall asleep only to dream of that desperate time. This time, however, I leaned over him and gave him what was euphemistically called the kiss of life. For me it was nothing less. I put my heart and soul into it, breathing for him while I attempted to re-start his heart praying with every beat of mine that he might live.

When he finally gasped one breath, then another, and another before opening those blue eyes and staring at me with naked trust, I felt such a joy that I knew I couldn't let another dawn break without telling him the truth. I could not allow the possibility of what we could share to be wasted.

I awoke gasping with my heart racing. My eyes desperately sought out his sleeping form and relieved I lay back. Suddenly in my mind's eye I saw that expression of complete trust on Daniel's face. Then it hit me, he really did look at me like that. He did trust me, he did believe in me. In a flash of realisation I knew that even if he didn't share my feelings he would never disparage me or turn away from me for having them. The only way to lose would be in not telling him.

I didn't quite keep my promise to tell him before the next dawn broke because we were all affected by the strange light in that place until we finally shut it down. It actually took me three days before I finally told him. His reaction? A mixture of shock and joy. He'd been trying to pluck up the courage to tell me of his own feelings. That night in one of many rooms of a Goa'uld pleasure palace we made love for the first time and as hesitant and nervous as we were it was one of the most erotic experiences of my life.

Now, a year later he wasn't really affected by the Light, only by the memory of its effect. His anger and despair may have been real at the time, for which I carry my share of the guilt but this time they were mere shadows. I just hoped that the amnesia had not made a shadow of his love and that he was merely hiding it from me again.

"...I guess I thought you'd be there ...always ...but you were gone and I was so lonely."

His voice was barely more than a whisper, I didn't even know if he was really talking to me, if he still knew I was there. I couldn't let this go on any longer.

Carefully, I moved up behind him. "Daniel," I said softly. "Please trust me; you aren't alone, now or ever again. You're my friend, my best friend but you are so much more to me." He turned around slowly and looked at me, tears still standing on the tips of his eyelashes. I longed to wipe them away. "I'm in love with you and have been for far too long." His mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. I was unable to stop my hand lifting to trace the curve of his lower lip. As I touched him, he froze, eyes boring into mine. "Can you forgive this old fool for being afraid to tell you just how much you mean to me?"

"You ...love me?" he gasped.

"More than I can ever tell you," I said, gingerly reaching to pull him into my embrace. When he didn't resist I pulled him close and dipped my head slowly. If he didn't want my kiss he was free to pull back, instead he moved to meet me.

For me the kiss was like coming home, for Daniel it would've seemed like the first time. I was elated to feel the slight shiver run through him.

"Oh God, Jack, I can't believe this. Please, you're not just ...just trying to ..."

"I'm just trying to tell you something I should've told you a long time ago instead of hiding behind my fear. I. Love. You."

Closing his eyes he heaved a sigh, so deep it was like a sob. "I love you, too," he whispered against my lips.

"I know," I murmured, rubbing my hand in circles over his back. "Let's walk up here," I said gesturing further up the mountain, farther away from the entrance to the base. He came with me easily.

"Jack, I ...I don't know what to say. I feel so..."

"You don't feel so angry or desperate any more, do you?" I asked gently.

"I ...What?" he said, suspicion darkening his eyes.

"It's okay, Daniel," I said putting my arm around his waist and drawing him to me. Smiling I pressed my forehead to his, looking him straight in the eye. "I meant every word I said and I know you did too. Please trust me. I have something important to tell you and I just want somewhere quiet so we can talk."

He looked a little unsure but put his hand over my hand on his waist and let me lead him a little further on. I knew a little clearing with another fallen tree.

This time I was nervous of telling him the truth, that this was only a memory and that we'd been partners for a year. He would ask questions I didn't really want to answer. I've been here before too. Following our first night of passion we had a first day of home truths. The air needed clearing between us, we'd both hurt the other for much the same reason, fear. In the end neither of us held back, it was very difficult but I had to admit it had been cathartic.

* * *

I was having trouble accepting this, not because I didn't believe Jack. He spoke with so much conviction I couldn't help but trust his word. No, what I couldn't believe was that my most fervent desire had been granted. Jack was in love with me!

The problem was that there was something else going on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had woken this morning locked in a VIP room and I still didn't know why. My emotions had been totally out of control and even though I recognised that I couldn't stop myself. I had yelled and railed at Jack for God knows how long and looking back now, I realise that most of the time he simply took it. That was not Jack.

Then I experienced such despair that it seemed a relief to consider just walking off that cliff. Even at my lowest ebb I had never, ever considered suicide. I was just too damned stubborn to ever give up. I had faced down false gods preferring to die fighting rather than give in, even though I knew it would cost me more pain. No way would I even consider taking my own life -- if I was in my right mind. Oh God, could that be it? I was ill, I was dangerous; that was why I was in a guarded VIP room.

Was that why Jack had finally admitted he loved me? Was whatever I had terminal? But if that was the case, why wasn't I in the infirmary?

Desperate, I turned around to ask Jack what was going on, what was wrong with me.

"Daniel," he smiled at me, "stop thinking so hard, I can hear the gears turning from here."

I wanted to smile back, his was so infectious but for once I was too worried.

"Jack, what is it, what's wrong with me?"

His smile faded a little and my fear grew. He must have realised this for he rose from the log where he was sitting and in two long strides had his hands on my shoulders.

"You're all right. The only thing wrong with you is that you are suffering from amnesia."

"Amnesia? How did it happen?"

"I can't answer too many questions. Janet wants you to remember on your own. All I can tell you is that you had an accident and were put in a sarcophagus which proved to a have a minor fault."

"A sarcophagus! You know how I feel about that thing, why the hell would I let you put me in... Wait, how serious was this accident?"

He didn't need to answer, his expression was enough. I must have been very near death, there was no other way he'd ever put me in one of those things.

"I am allowed to tell you one more thing. This time you remember, the light, the palace? This all happened a little over a year ago," he said gently. I saw the trepidation in his eyes; I shared it.

"Did you...? Did we...?" I couldn't finish. A year ago. Had I told him a year ago and forgotten? The idea that I could've finally confessed my love only to discover he shared my feelings and that I couldn't remember. Then I realised, did that mean that we had been together for all that time.

He smiled but it wasn't a smile I had ever seen grace his face before. It was so open, so giving and suddenly I knew.

"We've been partners since that day in the palace when I could no longer keep my secret," he shrugged.

"So we," I blushed as I waved my hand back and forth between us.

With a grin, he said, "Oh yeah, as often as we can which isn't as often as we'd like but we do enjoy practising," his face fell. "Damn, probably shouldn't have told you that, sorry."

"Kinda sorry myself. Like to have experienced it actually," I said wistfully.

"Well," Jack said huskily, "I can give you a little sample."

My heart rate sped up and I felt sweat break out on my upper lip. I'd dreamed of making love with this man for two years and suddenly he told me I've been doing just that for a year and I don't remember. The idea that he knew my body intimately sent a thrill of anticipation straight through my body and I felt my cock rise. I wondered what his skin would feel like under my fingers. I was swamped by a sudden anger that my body already knew the answers but my mind was keeping them from me. Then I smiled as I understood that I could experience that first time again, not now on this mountain top unfortunately. I know that would be too risky but I prayed it would be sometime soon. Just now I would take whatever he was prepared to risk.

"Easy, Danny," he said. I was pleased that he could read me so easily. It confirmed how well he really knew me and that filled me with pleasure.

He placed his hands on my waist and pulled me close, our lips meeting in a gentle glide. At the same time he pressed his groin against mine and I gasped into the kiss at the feel of his arousal pressing into me. Jack took advantage of the opportunity and slipped his tongue inside my mouth.

My semi-erect cock filled swiftly at the sensation of his dick touching mine and Jack rotated his hips so our erections rubbed against each other. I felt fire racing along my veins and the heat gathered in my groin. I moaned into his mouth and suddenly Jack broke the kiss and pulling my shirt away he swooped in and his mouth fastened on my neck where he sucked and nibbled at the tender skin. I arched my neck to allow him more access and with one hand I tugged his black tee out of his trousers and slipped my hand up his back. I moaned at finally feeling his naked skin under my hand.

"Jack, oh God, Jack," I murmured, trying to control my breathing. "I love you so much, how could I have forgotten this. You feel so wonderful."

Lifting his mouth from my neck, he leaned back to look into my eyes and this time he let me see not only his love but his sorrow before he finally gave me a wistful smile.

"I love you too, Danny and it has been hell these last few days but at last you are remembering more and more. I believe you will remember everything soon but Daniel, if that is not to be it doesn't make any difference. This is what's important, we love each other and nothing else matters. You can still carry on if you have a little bit of memory missing. I have already spoken to Hammond and he'll let you return to SG1."

I suddenly felt everything fall back into place. I could do this. I wanted to remember but if I never did, well so what? I could make new memories.

* * *

The following two days were wonderful. Daniel stayed in this phase of his memory and the only thing that would have made it better was if the General had given permission to take Daniel home with me. Unfortunately he was concerned that Daniel might switch memories -- his words not mine -- at an inopportune moment. I pointed out that so far each leap in memory had occurred after a night's sleep and it shouldn't be a problem but Hammond was not convinced.

Daniel, however, was convinced it was a plot to stop him from getting laid. By the second day he was quite desperate for us to have privacy. The VIP room was anything but private; the camera put paid to anything beyond conversation and I silently thanked the General that he'd decided picture-only observation would suffice except during emergency situations. Daniel had hoped I could persuade the General to let us have one night at my place. He was under the distinct impression it was extremely unjust that I had many, varied memories of making love with him and he didn't even have one!

He also accused me of purposely talking dirty or sweet to him -- the former I admit to with what even I can only call a sly grin, the latter I flatly deny -- just to get him all hot and bothered. It was fortunate that I was able to alleviate some of his stress with judicious touches out of sight of the camera before taking him out of the mountain to visit our spot at the viewpoint up top. Once there we indulged our desires as far as I thought wise which, to be honest, was frustrating for both of us.

"Jack," Daniel breathed across my ear making me shiver, "why can't we..."

"No, Daniel," I interrupted knowing what he wanted. Didn't he realise it was killing me too not to be able to make love with him? He was enough to tempt a saint and that's the last thing I was.

"Fuck!" He rolled away from me scowling. "Damn it, Jack what's it gonna take for you to make a thoroughly dishonest, debauched man of me!"

Grinning at his blatant attempt to seduce me, I told him, "Daniel, I would like nothing more than to fuck you senseless but I don't want it to be the first step on my way to a court martial."

He sighed and gave me a sheepish grin, "I know, I know. I feel I'm missing so much. You have the memory of us together on so many different occasions, I only have the desire."

"Come here," I said, indicating the ground next to me and he sat down again. "Don't let's waste what time we have. There's no knowing how much longer ..." I stopped when I realised what I was saying. Daniel paled at my careless words. I pulled him into my arms and kissed him roughly, forcing his lips apart so I could plunder his mouth. He opened eagerly and our tongues fought for dominance as did our bodies as we rolled over and over each trying to pin the other.

Daniel won, or maybe I won. Who cares? His weight pressed me down and I felt wonderful as his hands roamed over my body, slipping under my jacket and tee to caress my skin. Returning the favour I slid my hands down the back of his pants and squeezed the firm globes of his ass. He squirmed against me and laughed into my mouth, his warm breath teasing me. I pulled back and stared into his sparkling eyes.

"God, you'll be the death of me! Wouldn't you rather keep me alive and functioning so I can really show you how good we are together when we finally get you home to my place?"

His laughter faded and he gave me a pensive smile. "I'd do anything to keep you alive; I'd give you my very breath."

I gasped at his words.

* * *

Jack's colour drained at my words and the air expelled from his lungs in a whoosh. I didn't know what I'd said to affect him so. It had just been a simile, perhaps a little poetic but I was feeling emotional and the words just spilled out of me.

He rolled away from me and got to his knees.

"What've I said? Jack, please what's wrong?" I asked, afraid.

He lifted his head and looked at me. Suddenly he smiled and my fear melted.

"Nothing, nothing. Just touched a chord that's all," he said. "I love you, so much. What you see in a scarred old soldier like me I'll never understand but for as long as we have I'll show you just what you mean to me."

His words moved me yet I couldn't help but feel there was something else, something he wouldn't tell me. It had to have something to do with my missing memories, perhaps even to do with whatever had happened to me to cause my amnesia in the first place. Something powerful enough to still affect Jack. I wish I knew what it was but I knew how determined Jack could be when he wanted. He wouldn't tell me, I had to remember on my own and not for the first time I was afraid. Perhaps I had chosen to forget. What if it hadn't been caused by a faulty crystal in the sarcophagus but by my own mind blocking a painful memory?

That simple phrase spoiled the mood and Jack took me back inside. We shared a quiet meal together in the VIP room and for once Jack was distracted. He didn't want to play chess or watch TV. He tried to read but it was obvious he couldn't concentrate. In the end he decided to visit the gym, work up a sweat to get his head out of his ass -- his words not mine. He apologised for not being good company. I refused his offer to accompany him, saying I didn't feel in the mood for either callisthenics or company.

That was partly true. I didn't want to go to the gym and I wasn't in the mood for anyone else's company.

"Get a good night's rest, Jack and I'll see you for breakfast, okay?"

He gave me swift smile and a quick nod before leaving. I also knew he wondered if I would wake up tomorrow somewhen else.

* * *

I knew Daniel was worried by my distracted behaviour the night before but I didn't seem to be able to pull myself from the funk I found myself in after his comment. Simple words, touching words; words that slammed into my gut with the force of a pile driver.

I began to wonder if it was some kind of latent memory. Why would he choose those particular words? The odds just seemed too great for it to be totally coincidental but as the evening progressed it was clear that he had no idea what he'd said. He knew it had affected me, that was clear but he had no inkling why.

I struggled with the feelings it brought out in me until eventually I just had to leave and go and slam my fist into something. A punch bag seemed most suitable.

Instead I found myself sparring with Teal'c who had returned from the planet to deliver an updated report to the General. Apparently Siler had seen me heading for the gym. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I never saw even saw him. He bumped into Teal'c and told the big guy that I looked ready to kill something.

We sparred for a while and talked for a lot longer. Quietly I told Teal'c what was going on, about how much Daniel remembered. Like Janet, he knew of our relationship, had done almost from the beginning. There was very little that Teal'c didn't see and he knew Daniel and me far too well.

"Do not despair O'Neill, DanielJackson will come back to you. He is travelling a hard road but when has he ever shied away from the difficult path?"

"Perhaps he does remember more than he is consciously aware of?"

"I do not believe the human mind ever forgets anything, it simply chooses what it wishes to recall. Perhaps now that DanielJackson is once again aware of your relationship it may assist the recovery of his other memories."

Teal'c's words proved prophetic as the next morning and each day following Daniel awoke to a different time, each one nearer to reality. He told me he now remembered our first time together in the over decorated room in the pleasure palace and he didn't regret not having a 'second' first time. Nothing could ever replace that first time.

That was only the beginning. He remembered the glowy alien building a mini-Stargate in Carter's basement. He enjoyed telling me of his argument with Simmons about the mysterious Tyler.

He experienced again the agony from the pain-stick when we tried to free Chaka and the other Unas. He was still a little unhappy about the need to hand his weapon to Chaka but he didn't regret it in light of the situation on that planet.

With pride he remembered how we again saved the planet when the naquada asteroid was launched towards Earth.

I was forced to apologise once again for ignoring him and leaving him sitting on the floor of the Gateroom next to the body of Reese. I didn't know until much later that she had badly damaged his wrist. I longed to remind him of my first apology which consisted of a massage to help ease his wrist and ended up as one of our longest sessions when I made leisurely love to him inch by inch.

That had been yesterday. Now as I approached his room I wondered when he would wake up this morning.

As I opened the door, I hoped ...

* * *

I heard Jack outside talking to the guard. I watched as the door slowly opened and he slipped inside. He'd taken to doing that every morning, slipping inside a partially open door as if he didn't want anything or anyone beyond the door to enter my sanctum.

"Morning, Jack," I said.

"Hey," he said softly, eyeing me carefully. He never knew what to expect when he opened that door each morning. Never knew how he should behave. I smiled. Automatically he grinned back at me. "Daniel?" he asked.

"Thanks for trying," I said quietly.

He frowned for a moment and then his eyes widened. "You remember! Oh, God, you remember everything?" I nodded and I watched as he licked his lips and shuffled his feet, "Everything?" he asked again, his voice now low and concerned.

"Yes, Jack, I remember ...everything. How you tried to give me your breath. I understand now why my words the other day affected you so. I remember having to beg you to leave me knowing you would've stayed with me and I couldn't have borne that. Thank you for doing what I wished, I know what that cost you."

"I won't deny how hard that was, though it paled later when I realised you were tugging the rope because you'd seen the sarcophagus and I ignored you. I ...I thought you were..."

"You thought I was panicking. I was, Jack, believe me. Seeing that thing though ...I hated it yet it was my salvation. That was hard." Jack swallowed and for a moment he dropped his head. "You know what else I remember?" I said softly. "As I finally lost consciousness my last thought was of you."

He looked up, mouth slightly open in surprise. He still stood just inside the room, too far away.

"Jack? Can we go home now?"

"Oh God!" He suddenly laughed and closed the space between us in three long strides. I think he'd have taken me in his arms but I gave him a warning glare and he just grabbed my shoulders again. "Welcome back," he whispered fervently instead.

* * *

It had taken longer than either of us had hoped before I was finally cleared by Janet and the general. It was a formality but everyone was so pleased to see me back to my normal self that I had visitors in the infirmary who kept delaying the tests that Janet wanted to perform to close the file on this particular incident.

Then the general wanted to see me. He asked me a few questions; I think to confirm in his own mind that I really was back. Eventually, after what seemed like forever, I was allowed home. It was a Friday and the general said Janet had signed me off to return to normal duty as from Monday. The general asked if I felt fit, emotionally fit, to return to work. After all I had needed that break and I'd only had half of it. I told him my priorities had changed since then and if he didn't mind could I take a rain-check on the other couple of weeks.

He smiled and said Jack and I could have the weekend and then he was going to assign SG1 a mission for Monday. There had been a few waiting before we had gone off for my extended leave and he said he would pick an easy one to smooth my way back in.

Jack was waiting for me in my office and promptly turned me right around and ordered me out of the mountain.

"Got an appointment at my place, Dr Jackson, or had you forgotten."

"Course not, Colonel O'Neill. Whatever you say, sir!"

* * *

The journey home in Jack's truck was quiet, a companionable silence between us. I didn't want to talk about what had happened to me under that alien sea and I'm pretty sure Jack didn't either. It had been a painful experience and though I was glad to have recovered my memories; that wasn't one I wanted to dwell on.

Instead, I allowed myself a peaceful awareness that my world was back on an even keel. Going home -- and I did think of Jack's place as home just as much as my own apartment -- was ordinary and that was exactly what I wanted.

Jack pulled into his driveway and we walked side by side into the house. He closed the door behind us and we stood in the hallway merely looking at each other.

I was surprised to realise I had no desperate need to grab Jack and have wild passionate sex with him on his hallway floor. After my recent frustration with being unable to go beyond kissing and fondling, this simple peaceful immersion in his presence was a revelation.

I returned his appraising look, smiling into warm eyes recognising that he too was just happy to be with me. Sex was wonderful, a vital physical affirmation of love but it paled compared with the emotional impact of love. I had always enjoyed the afterglow of just lying in Jack's arms as we drifted off to sleep.

"Come on," he said gently, "let's get re-acquainted."

I just grinned and followed him into his lounge, laughing as we passed through and on up the stairs. "Ah, re-acquainted and here's me just thinking how much I enjoyed just snuggling with you."

"Well, yeah, snuggling is fine...after the sex." He stopped in the hall just outside his bedroom and turned. "I love you, Daniel and if we never had sex that wouldn't change," he said gently, leaning in to kiss my forehead, before narrowing his eyes at me. "But, dammit, Daniel I've had to hold you at arm's length for far too long. If I don't get you in my bed ..."

"Jack, Jack, I was referring to snuggling after sex not instead of it!" I opened my arms wide and with a dramatic toss of my head, I said, "Take me!"

He laughed, tugged me over his shoulder and with a grunt and a grumble lifted me and carried me the few steps into his room and tossed me on the bed.

"God, you look good there," he murmured.

I sat up and began to unfasten my shirt.

"Let me," he said, climbing on the bed between my legs and pushing me flat again. I lay still as he slowly undid each button, keeping eye contact all the time. His fingers drifting lightly over my skin he removed my shirt. He broke eye contact to lean in and kiss and nibble my nipples until they stood proud and erect. I expected him to kiss me but instead he licked down my stomach until he reached the waistband of my pants. He lifted his head then and gazed at me again, smiling.

He slipped the button through the buttonhole, his fingers teasing the skin beneath.

"Jack," I gasped, "stop teasing."

"Hush, it's been too long, I want to savour this. Let me do this my way."

Biting my lip I subsided.

"That's my prerogative," he said, finally swooping in to kiss me. He licked my lower lip, nibbling the corner before sliding his tongue inside, tasting me. I moaned at the wonderful sensations flooding me, Jack was a masterful kisser. He broke the kiss, gasping for air. His fingers traced a line down my throat, between my nipples to my belly. He traced my navel before returning his attention to my pants which he slowly removed, taking my boxers with them.

I laughed when he realised he hadn't removed my boots or socks. He made me pay for that; as soon as he removed the offending items he ran his fingers along my instep which he knew I found extremely ticklish. I was writhing on the edge of pain before he stopped and began to trace the inside of my leg instead. I got my breathing back under control just in time to expel it again as he unexpectedly went down on me, licking the very tip of my penis.

"God, Jack!" I gasped, automatically spreading my legs further apart.

"I want you!" he growled and I shivered. I loved it when he was like this, taking charge, doing what he wanted because what he wanted was always to please me. He got such a kick out of pleasuring me. I know because I loved doing what he wanted too. This time it was for me. He knew that I wanted ...needed to feel that I belonged again, with him, to him. I wanted him to take me, wanted to feel him deep inside, owning me.

He got off the bed and quickly divested himself of his clothing. He stood there for a second looking down at me and I marvelled again at his lean, hard body, peppered with scars. My fingers itched to touch him and he must have sensed something for suddenly he grinned, reached into the drawer and took out the lube. He dropped it next to me on the bed and clambered back between my legs, stretching out to lay over me, supporting his weight on one arm as he gazed at me, his eyes raking my naked body. I was used to this but each time I still felt the heat flood me from just the way he looked at me.

He kissed my face, his lips just ghosting over my eyes, my cheeks until he brushed my lips, asking me to open for him. As I did I felt his hand on my cock, lazily stroking me up and down and then seeking my balls. I gasped as he squeezed and rolled them between his fingers. He released my mouth with a parting nip to my lower lip and he slid down my body to once again take my cock in his mouth but this time he swallowed me whole. I arched off the bed and he gently pushed me back. Needing to touch him I reached out, one hand on a shoulder, the other in his hair. I love his hair, so soft.

He slipped a finger inside me. I had no idea when he had lubed his fingers and he said I could multitask! Then all thought disappeared as he dragged his teeth along my cock just as he added a second finger to stretch me. I shuddered and moaned and gripped his hair tightly. I felt a tingling in my toes and knew I wouldn't last much longer.

"Jack, ohgodohgod, Jack, please, please ..........ah!" I yelled as he nailed my happy button.

I felt his breath gusting over my cock as he chuckled at my response and that made me shudder again as I curled up over him.

"I'm coming, I'm coming......coming," I gasped and Jack took a quick breath before taking me all the way in his mouth and sucking me as I exploded down his throat.

* * *

I knelt on the bed gasping for breath as Daniel collapsed back on the bed.

"God, I missed you!" I declared, joining him.

"Yeah, I can tell," he grinned looking at my erection jutting proudly from my body. "That looks lonely, thinks it wants some company," he said, tossing him me the lube.

"Bastard," I grinned. I meant it though; I had missed my lover's touch, his kiss, the look in his eye when he came. I'd missed the feel of him around me when I was buried so deep inside him I sometimes felt I could almost touch his soul. I'd never told him that, he'd probably think I was being sappy and that didn't go with my hard-ass persona, which was kinda redundant because he didn't believe in that anyway.

He watched me as I carefully lubed myself then he squirmed around getting himself comfortable. I moved back between his legs, stroking my hands up and down his thighs before lifting them over mine, pulling him closer.

"Ready?" I asked and he nodded, licking his lips. I stroked the inside of his sensitive thighs and he shivered. Lining myself up I pushed slowly inside. I waited a moment making sure he was okay before continuing to push steadily until I was all the way inside, my balls against his ass.

"Think I forgot how good this feels," he murmured. "Better when you move if I remember," he added snarkily.

"That's my Danny," I grinned as I began to move, slowly at first as I got my rhythm then faster and faster, slamming into that welcoming heat. Daniel had thrown one arm over his eyes; the other hand was gripping the sheets tightly. I loved to reduce him to a puddle of goo and I hadn't quite managed that yet. I lifted his legs higher and he wrapped them around my waist locking them at the ankles and that gave me a better angle to aim for his prostate. I knew I'd succeeded when he threw his arm out and arched his back as he cried out my name.

He gasped for breath and strained to say, "Again...please, Jack."

I gripped his hips and holding him firmly I thrust into him again and again and he thrashed his head from side to side on the pillow, alternatively gasping and muttering nonsense. This was Daniel lost in the haze of passion, words no more than noisy breaths letting me know I touched him deep inside.

This was also the Daniel who took my breath away and I felt my orgasm gather low in my belly and rush through me until with a howl it boiled out of me to fill the man I loved.

I collapsed across him, trying to draw breath into my starving lungs. I felt Daniel's hand on my back rubbing gently up and down.

"Jack, Jack," he kept murmuring over and over.

Finally gathering enough breath to speak, I said, "Needed you, needed to know I could still touch you."

"No one has ever been able to reach as deep inside me as you can, Jack. You reach my heart and soul."

* * *

The first night back to being ourselves had been wonderful. We awoke to make love again in the early hours of the morning, this time Daniel was inside me and I loved to feel him there again. He made me feel more alive than any other lover I've ever had.

The weekend flew by as we got re-acquainted a few more times. We lay in till lunch on Saturday then I insisted we get up; told him the yard was overgrown and we should do something about it. He frowned until I threw the shorts at him, the short shorts and he knew exactly what I had in mind. I thoroughly enjoyed ogling his ass as he helped me with the gardening. It also gave us a good excuse to share a shower later.

Sunday was just a lovely lazy day and in the afternoon Daniel decided he would like to cook us dinner. When Daniel cooked he really went to town so we had a delicious meal which we finished on the rug in front of the fire. Desert was on me, literally.

All too soon it was Monday and we had to report back to the Mountain. Daniel said he didn't really mind because he felt everything had come full circle. Monday morning returning to work in my truck felt so right.

Carter and Teal'c were waiting for us when we reported to the Briefing Room. I wondered which of the missions the general had chosen for us. There had been a few simple ones, non-urgent missions that had been put on hold during our original downtime.

It even seemed right to sit at the long table listening to the general discuss negotiations and treaties, to tune out Carter as she discussed naquada and generators and Teal'c brought up the question of the possibility of Goa'uld interaction. I heard it all with one ear while the rest of my attention was on Daniel sitting opposite me trying to concentrate while overtly aware of my attention.

I smiled; all was right with my world too.

A couple of hours later we were all geared up, gathered in the Gateroom waiting to get the all clear to go through.

Hammond's voice came over the intercom giving us permission to ship out. Teal'c led the way through with Carter just behind. I glanced over at Daniel and he smiled as we walked side by side up the ramp and stepped into the shimmering wormhole.

Everything was back to normal, as odd as that might seem it was normal for us to be whizzed half-way across the galaxy in the blink of an eye.

This should be an easy one. For once we gated to a world that was pretty much on a par with Earth, technologically advanced and industrialised.

We were greeted on behalf of the government and given a grand tour of the facilities.

One of our hosts came forward to say, "Oh, Dr. Jackson, I have someone I would like you to meet; one of our experts with whom I'm sure you will have much in common, Jonas Quinn."

"Um, sure. See you later, Jack," he smiled, just for me.

"Yeah," I returned his smile, "See ya later, Danny..."

FIN


End file.
